I need to revise/clarify my last post, because I now realize it was, frankly, insulting to a lot of people (including my best friend).

What I tried to convey but failed:

I used the wrong word in "prevented." (I'm frequently guilty of using poor/incorrect word choices. And I hate that.) I don't think eating disorders can be prevented. They're a deeply psychological disease, one that we can't fix by happy thinking or "just eating" or envisioning jolly vegetables growing in gardens. I thought I had expressed that, but I hadn't.

Rather, I do wonder if, in addition to group and individual therapy/medication/lots and lots of time/lots and lots of tears/lots and lots of support/etc., participating in the growing and creating of food had been involved in my treatment it might have, I don't know, made a difference? I'm finding more joy in growing and cooking and eating now, but perhaps that's only because I've had a lot of time and treatment and this wouldn't have made a difference two years ago.

And I still struggle. I still engage in unhealthy eating disorder behaviors. Sure, it's far less frequently than it once was, but it still happens. But I'm hoping as I'm eating cleaner, learning about growing seasonally and buying locally, I'll move farther and farther away from those bad behaviors. Perhaps it's wishful thinking. I don't know.

What I know is: I think a lot of my post yesterday came out of a desperation to spare myself and others the pain of struggling with food demons. From the panic that comes from eating anything and the relief that a porcelain toilet bowl can bring. For living all-consumed by trying not to eat or trying to eat or just trying to pretend food doesn't exist. I was grasping at straws, trying to find some kind of answer.

But as I sit here and think, I know there's not an answer. There's not a quick fix. And there's certainly no one thing that will work to help everybody.  (Even though I believe almost anyone who has eating disorder-related behaviors would benefit from counseling/therapy and possibly medications.)

I hope all this makes sense. I apologize if I trivialized the pain anyone's gone through by suggesting they could've done something different to prevent it. It wasn't my intention.

Also — please know that if you're struggling with food-related problems, there are ways to get help. There are online support groups, too. I'm happy to pass any resources I can along. My email is listed on the right side of the blog.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry that your friend(s?) took your post in a manner that he/she/they found hurtful/wrong/politically incorrect. I hope you didn't allow her/him/them to cause you to feel too badly about yourself and what you were trying to express (and so beautifully!).

You are amazing.

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