I haven't posted in a while how food/eating/eating disorder/bingeing/purging/restricting are going. And that's because, for the most part, they've been (I can't believe I'm going to say this) a non-issue.
If you had asked me two years ago if I thought that would be possible, I would have laughed in your face. And then cried.
But somehow, it happened, it was true, and I've been enjoying food and eating and BEING NORMAL for a few months now. I thank god and the heavens and the mountains and the oceans. And I'll credit my therapist, Prozac, my best friend, and the mercy of the universe for that.
But when I tripped and fell into a pit of anxiety and depression a week and a half ago, I was shocked at how quickly my eating disorder came roaring back following a few days of being unable to eat due to anxiety.
LOOK AT ME! it screamed. LOOK! You can binge and purge and get numb! You can restrict and get hunger highs! YOU CAN GET SKINNIER AGAIN! Do you see how fat you've gotten?!
Suddenly, I wasn't just at the bottom of a pit of anxiety and depression. I was teetering on the edge of the eating disorder well. And when you're faced with falling down a well, it's a hell of a lot scarier and more pressing than just being at the bottom of a pit.
(Am I losing you here? Are my metaphors getting too out there? Sorry.)
I am ever grateful for my best friend, who told me in no uncertain terms that I needed to stop. restricting. NOW. That I needed to stop purging the few things I was eating. That I could not allow the eating disorder to take over again, masking the roots of depression and anxiety that had been rearing their heads.
Because, you see, it's far easier to channel all of my mental energy into hating and starving my body than it is to face the causes of anxiety and depression head-on.
But last night, I ate a good dinner and kept it down. I felt like absolute shit, but I did it.
Today I had breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Small portions, but I had them, and I kept them down.
And tomorrow I will try again, for two reasons. One, because I'm not allowing these root issues of anxiety and depression to be covered up again. I want to expose them once and for all. And two, because after eating normally for a few months, I realized how incredible it felt. I'm not going back to my eating disorder.