(I apologize in advance for the vagueness of this post...I just kind of need to write.)
You know when you're thisclose to bursting into tears, have a huge lump in your throat, are so anxious you feel nauseated and can't eat, and are just about so depressed you can't function? Hi, you guys, c'est moi right now.
It ain't pretty.
My best friend and my therapist (two different people, btw) have both made the very valid observation that I shy away from my feelings. I'm scared of them. I don't like facing them. (Who does?) And, instead, I resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms (shoutout to the eating disorder!) and/or complete and total freak-outs.
Today the latter happened. I found myself in tears in a coffee shop frantically trying to un-say all the awful things I had just said to my best friend. I got panicked and paranoid and she, who has done absolutely nothing wrong, got the brunt of it. I think it's a combination of anxiety (hi, I'm unemployed), nervousness (I start school next week, my last semester), anxiety and nervousness (I had a job interview tonight), etc. But instead I hurt my sweet friend and for that I just feel awful.
I feel like there's a time about every month where I just lose my shit. Maybe it's my period, yeah, but I'm most inclined to think I'm just damn good at cooping feelings up inside me til I explode. And that's not fair to me or my best friend.
I've got faults. Big ones. I'm an insanely jealous person. I don't deal with my feelings well (another shoutout to the eating disorder). I know I should talk through and write through and process everything but to be completely honest, all I really want to do is puke my brains out so that I can become a bit more numb.
But I'm not going to. Instead, I'm going to open up a microsoft word document on my computer, and just write until I (hopefully) feel better.
To Cait: Instead of vomiting, I'm going to word vomit. #wegottalaugh.
P.S. I may or may not be counting down the hours til I see my therapist on Friday.