So I know I left a giant angsty post about my body/my weight/my anxieties about Michigan up as a cliffhanger for way too long, and I'm sorry. But I've been trying to figure out what to write and I thought putting some time in between MI and me would be good for all parties involved.
First of all, it was so, so good to see my family. I hadn't seen my parents and sister in entirely too long. I was so glad to see them.
Second of all, I was beyond thrilled to share Michigan with my life twin. It meant so much to me that Cait was able to go.
Third of all, a lot of it was really amazing, relaxing, and fun.
Fourth of all, a lot of it was really freaking hard.
Since January, I've been on an incredibly restrictive diet. I'm hesitant to post amounts/numbers of what I was eating, because I don't think it's good for anyone to compare to. But especially in the early months of this year, I wasn't eating, and what I was eating, I was puking up.
But, with the help of the most amazing therapist on the planet and a loooooooooot of therapy, I'm incorporating food back into my life and keeping it in me, too. Not always (lord knows I'm not perfect). Some days/weeks/months are epic fails. Some are better. But I'm committed to working at it.
All that to say...I've had complete control over every thing that's been put in my mouth (compulsive eating aside, but that's a whole 'nother blog post!). I know exactly what I'm going to eat every day, and at what time. It's incredibly rigid, but that's what I need for the time being.
So going from having every morsel of food and every calorie planned out way in advance of the actual eating itself to going to Michigan where I had pretty much no control over food was a bit of a mindfuck. But Cait helped me, and after I broke down and talked to my parents about how I need to know what we're eating, when we're eating it, now, please, for the rest of the trip, it got a bit easier. Still, it was far from easy, and I know it was enormously difficult for Cait too (and I'm still so grateful she stayed).
Um, okay. This is already getting really long and I haven't even gotten to the fun body image stuff yet. Can you say MICHIGAN POST PART TROIS, ladies and gentlemen? (Promise it'll be the next thing I post.) To be continued...