8.08.2011

Numbers (don't) lie

Sooooooo. I've never been good with numbers. Or at math. Which is one of the main reasons I ended up at DreamSchool — no math! #WINNING!

However, the lovely presence of a certain eating disorder in my life has brought numbers back with a vengeance. I tally calories EVERYWHERE — in the margins of books, on my phone, on random slips of paper, on my fingers. I'm obsessive about knowing exactly what's in my body. Those numbers...I deal with, because if I know numbers-wise what's in my body, I'm less stressed (read: cray-cray).

But there's another area where things just don't (excuse the pun! or don't!) add up.

From my highest weight, during my senior year of high school, until last Thursday (when I last weighed myself), I've lost 49 pounds.

I've lost a good 25 of those since January of this year.

SO. I know, I know, logically I'm smaller than I used to be. I've lost weight. *None* of my clothes fit me anymore (but I'm too terrified and broke to buy more). I've seen my jeans decrease 8 sizes in four years, and I need a size smaller than I currently have, but again, am too scared (and broke) to buy them. I'm smaller. That's inarguable.

BUT.

I don't see it. I look at my body, and I honestly, honestly, honestly cannot see it. I still see my fat inner thighs, my wide hips, and my bulky stomach. I still see my flabby arms and my chipmunk cheeks.

(And I also panic, thinking where the hell I used to store 49 extra pounds. IS FUN.)

Tomorrow I leave for our yearly trip to Michigan to see family. I absolutely can't wait — I haven't seen my parents and sister in entirely too long. But...Michigan also means two things:

1) going to the beach. Which means wearing a swimsuit. HOLY HELL.

2) I'm petrified that my extended family (aunts, uncles, grandparents) will make comments on my body or my weight. I honestly don't think I could handle that. Anytime anyone says ANYTHING about my body (including compliments) I nearly have an anxiety attack. And there's also my new tattoo which, for some reason, I'm perfectly happy to explain to strangers but can't fathom explaining to my aunts and uncles.

One thing I'm beyond grateful for is that I'm going with my best friend. I can't wait for that.

So. It's frustrating, knowing numbers-wise I'm not the same size I was several years ago. But not, for the life of me, being able to see that.

Here's me at my heaviest, hiding behind my cousin:



And here's me a few weeks ago (photo taken by Cait:


I know there's a difference. I know there is. I just can't see it.

On a "how am I doing with my eating disorder" note, I'm doing pretty well. Every day is a struggle, without question — but I've made a huge amount of progress in fighting it (thank you god for my amazing, amazing therapist). I'm fighting. I'm not perfect, but I'm fighting.

5 comments:

Debbie said...

Just sending big love to you! xoxox

M. said...

You look great don't worry where you stored it just know you lost it and many people still fight to lose it in lost and not found

Angie said...

<3 u Nanny! Keep fighting.

Heather said...

Keep fighting the good fight! You do look fabulous. I'm sure your therapist tells you this, but try to focus on being healthy and not any weight or how you think you look. Your body will reframe itself as you start to feel better.

dmsegel said...

keep fighting, you've got people on your side!!