4.12.2011

Objects in mirror are closer than they appear

For the past four months, I've been avoiding scales. Scales are triggers for me. Numbers are scary. (It's why I go to DreamSchool. We don't have to deal with math here. PHEW.)

From January until a few weeks ago, I didn't know what I weighed. My nutritionist weighed me backwards so I couldn't see the number. I don't keep a scale, so I couldn't be tempted to check. I had a general idea of what I thought I was...and that number was enormous to me, so I kept up the purging cycle in a desperate (and misguided) attempt to get smaller.

Then, a few weeks ago I was at a friend's apartment. We'd been drinking wine, and I was WELL on my way to tipsy-town. I knew my friend had a scale in her bathroom, and before I could stop, I weighed myself.

To say I was shocked at the number would be an understatement. I hadn't seen a number that low since I was a sophomore in high school. That number meant that I was no longer classified as medically overweight — it meant that I was, for the first time in years, normal.

I panicked.

Ever since then I've been terrified. What happens if I don't purge after I eat something I'm not comfortable with and I go above that weight? What happens if I gain? What happens if I become overweight again?

I'm scared of what purging is doing to my body — I know the medical side effects. I know each time I purge I'm hurting my esophagus, damaging my digestive track, wreaking havoc on my teeth and gums and doing scary things to my heart. But now I'm so, so scared to stop, because right now I'm normal, and what happens if I eat and then don't throw up and I gain? What if I get fatter? I tell myself that it's unhealthier to be medically overweight than to purge, though the rational side of me knows that's not true.

This morning I weighed myself again.

The number was even lower than it was a few weeks ago. Not much, but it was lower. In my head, all I can think is I'm doing something right and also I've never felt more fat and disgusting in my life.

Getting dressed is an exhausting, stressful ordeal each morning. I can't find clothes that fit, that look okay, that don't make me look like a whale. I avoid mirrors, because I want to throw up when I look at myself. All I see is fat, and ugly.

The rational side of me knows that I'm the smallest I've been in a long, long time. But the eating disorder side of me keeps up a constant barrage of insults. I'm fat. I'm ugly. My body is disgusting. Nobody will ever, ever want to be with me.

I'm scared of the number on the scale going up. I'm scared of how big I feel right now, when the number is (for me), low. I'm not underweight by ANY means, but right now I'm normal. And that's petrifying. What happens if I'm not normal anymore? What happens if I just get fatter?

The way my body image is right now...I can't even think about letting go of the purging behaviors. I can't imagine my body being any more fat and disgusting than it is right now. Fighting this monster is a bitch, you guys, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I'm trying to love myself. I'm trying to love my body. But goddamn, I just feel so gross.

5 comments:

Kaitlyn said...

Oh, sweet girl. There is healing, there is hope.

I found healing in Christ-- from my eating disorder and so many other heart hurts and life crises.

The Bible lets us know that the devil is prowling around, trying to destroy us.

1 Peter 5:8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

He attacks us. He wants you to think you're fat and disgusting and awful. He doesn't want you to think anything wonderful or positive or good about yourself.

You're created in the image of God-- that sure does piss the enemy off.

But what does God do?

Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves.He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.”

God sings over you! He created you in His beautiful image! He thinks you are his beautiful child, who could not be more perfect if you tried.

I encourage you to find a church. An old school one that might preach some things you disagree with. Even if it doesn't quite match your social/political views, they'll help point you to the God who saves, who rescues, who fixes. (And if you find a church full of assholes, just move into the next one because Christians are people too and they do some dumb shit and act in unsettling ways sometimes. As much as it sucks, sometimes the people in the church do a terrible job of reflecting a God with arms open wide.)

Because I'll tell you true-- we're not perfect, and that does separate us from God. But Jesus? He gets us right into the arms of a loving Father.

A Father who can heal. Who does heal! Who cares about our hearts.

Who sings over us. And finds us beautiful. Who says that we are 'fearfully and wonderfully made'!

You are beautiful, you have immeasurable worth as a human being, and you are perfect the way you are.

Love you wonderful! ♥

Kaitlyn said...

P.S. Praying always :)

Anonymous said...

i've said this to you once and i'll say it again--you're completely and incredibly beautiful no matter what size you are or what number you see on the scale. none of those things matter at all.

love love love you,
your sister

Nic said...

I thought you were beautiful before you started down this slippery slope, at the weight you were then. I have no idea if this would help or not - but why not post a pic every day and we can all tell you how gorgeous you are? Because you ARE, no matter what weight you are.

Erin said...

I'm generally a lurker, but with a post so honest and raw I felt compelled to at least let you know I was sending good thoughts your way and hoping the very best for you. I pray that you can see the beauty in yourself, regardless of your physical self, and find acceptance.

Erin