Why I'm the luckiest girl, ever.

So. Remember this?

(Please click on it. You'll need to to understand the rest of this post.)


Today while I was at work, I got a call to come to the front desk. And...this happened. (P.S. I KNOW it's sideways, and I have no clue how to fix it. So, um, just turn your heads? Or your monitors?)

surprise, hallie! from hallie on Vimeo.



Student --> nanny


Guess who was offered a nanny job?

This girl.

Guess who was offered a nanny job for a 10-DAY-OLD baby boy?


Guess whose ovaries are glowing with OMG BABY CUTENESS?



First of all, can we just fist bump and blow it up, y'all? Cause RAWK. They're paying me *amazingly* (oh heyyy, going nanny rate in New England!), they're about 25 minutes from my apartment, and the parents are so sweet. (The dad works for NPR. I'm in love.)

The one not-so-great bit: they want me long-term. Which is awesome, and I'm thrilled to do it...but this means I'm going to have to do some serious thinking about my job in Admission. Which seriously makes me want to cry. I don't want to leave my job in Admission BUT I really don't know how I can make nanny job + full-time student + supervisor in the office work. OOF.

But! Focusing on the good things! Like snuggly 10-day-old babies who make little baby grunting noises when you hold them! (Though lord help me, I rely on nannying as my best form of birth control. This baby better be a hellion or else my mom and dad are going to be grandparents wayyyy sooner than expected. JUST KIDDING, MOM AND DAD!)

Also good thing — another amazing weekend with the incredible Cait. Seriously, this girl just gets me. And she's a nanny. I'm pretty sure we're twins. AND she has an awesome fiancee, and an adorable cat, and an adorable dog, and can I just have her life, please? Kthx.

Okay. I've procrastinated writing my paper long enough. I have to get to that. But! I HAVE A JOB!


Quote du jour

(for a dear friend, and any of you who are struggling right now. xoxo.)

flickering in the hallwaycandles in my hallway

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense."

—Ralph Waldo Emerson


Objects in mirror are closer than they appear

For the past four months, I've been avoiding scales. Scales are triggers for me. Numbers are scary. (It's why I go to DreamSchool. We don't have to deal with math here. PHEW.)

From January until a few weeks ago, I didn't know what I weighed. My nutritionist weighed me backwards so I couldn't see the number. I don't keep a scale, so I couldn't be tempted to check. I had a general idea of what I thought I was...and that number was enormous to me, so I kept up the purging cycle in a desperate (and misguided) attempt to get smaller.

Then, a few weeks ago I was at a friend's apartment. We'd been drinking wine, and I was WELL on my way to tipsy-town. I knew my friend had a scale in her bathroom, and before I could stop, I weighed myself.

To say I was shocked at the number would be an understatement. I hadn't seen a number that low since I was a sophomore in high school. That number meant that I was no longer classified as medically overweight — it meant that I was, for the first time in years, normal.

I panicked.

Ever since then I've been terrified. What happens if I don't purge after I eat something I'm not comfortable with and I go above that weight? What happens if I gain? What happens if I become overweight again?

I'm scared of what purging is doing to my body — I know the medical side effects. I know each time I purge I'm hurting my esophagus, damaging my digestive track, wreaking havoc on my teeth and gums and doing scary things to my heart. But now I'm so, so scared to stop, because right now I'm normal, and what happens if I eat and then don't throw up and I gain? What if I get fatter? I tell myself that it's unhealthier to be medically overweight than to purge, though the rational side of me knows that's not true.

This morning I weighed myself again.

The number was even lower than it was a few weeks ago. Not much, but it was lower. In my head, all I can think is I'm doing something right and also I've never felt more fat and disgusting in my life.

Getting dressed is an exhausting, stressful ordeal each morning. I can't find clothes that fit, that look okay, that don't make me look like a whale. I avoid mirrors, because I want to throw up when I look at myself. All I see is fat, and ugly.

The rational side of me knows that I'm the smallest I've been in a long, long time. But the eating disorder side of me keeps up a constant barrage of insults. I'm fat. I'm ugly. My body is disgusting. Nobody will ever, ever want to be with me.

I'm scared of the number on the scale going up. I'm scared of how big I feel right now, when the number is (for me), low. I'm not underweight by ANY means, but right now I'm normal. And that's petrifying. What happens if I'm not normal anymore? What happens if I just get fatter?

The way my body image is right now...I can't even think about letting go of the purging behaviors. I can't imagine my body being any more fat and disgusting than it is right now. Fighting this monster is a bitch, you guys, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I'm trying to love myself. I'm trying to love my body. But goddamn, I just feel so gross.


Pro tip from the nanny job hunt:

Please don't refer to your team of nannies as "your girls." As in, "The weather was nice, so I had my girl take the kids to the park."

That's all.


The biggest waste of three minutes of your life...

...all because I don't want to do my homework. I'm sorry, guys.

Untitled from hallie on Vimeo.


If only I could work for free...

I finally heard back from the nanny family. They said I was their top pick and they LOVED me (woo!), but that a family friend volunteered to watch the baby for free.

Oof. I have rent to pay. I can't compete with that.

Ah well. Onwards and upwards to the next nanny interview! (tomorrow morning for a 4.5 month old)


I woke up, looked out the window, and cried

First of all, I still haven't heard about the nanny job. GUH. Though I did have an interview with another family last night — they have an adorable 6-week-old baby boy, but they can't give me as many hours as I'd like. Boo.

Second of all: I have to be honest with you. DreamSchool City's been going crazy the past week talking about the SNOW we were going to get today. Like, SNOW snow. Like, sticks-on-the-ground snow. Like, it's spring, and it's STILL going to snow snow.

Like move me back to Texas NOW PLZ KTHXBAI snow.

And I have to be honest. I (and everyone else here, let's just be serious) was wishing that weather.com, CNN, and the weather app on my iPhone all got together to create an elaborate April Fool's day joke. Cause seriously. Weatherpeople predicting a "nor'easter" on April Fool's day?



But I woke up this morning, looked outside, and there it was: snow. Not tons of it, but the kind of slushy wet snow that's entirely discouraging. And it continued to rain/slush all morning.


Can it be spring yet?!