Skip this post if you don't want Debbie Downer

So it's pretty safe to assume that when I'm not blogging, things are rough.

Which they are right now.

And to be completely honest, I haven't posted because I don't want to be that whiny bitch who complains about her life when so many more people go through so much worse. (If my therapist is reading this, she is shaking her head slowly and saying, "WOMAN. YOU DO NOT GET IT.")

But it's a Friday night, and I'm feeling pretty damn crappy, and I want to talk. So...yeah.

Here's the deal. For almost two months now, I've been bingeing and purging. I'd never felt the compulsion to purge before, so when it started at the beginning of January, it completely blindsided me.

But since then it's been getting increasingly out of control. Couple that with the fact that I'm only eating one meal a day (at night), because I'm just so scared of starting to eat during the day and not being able to stop, and...yeah. My nutritionist isn't happy with me right now, to say the least.

Up until the beginning of February, I existed each day on hunger and caffeine highs. I'd perpetuate them by restricting food and chugging more coffee. Not going to lie, it was awesome. I felt great.

But all good things come to an end. Slash, all things destructive you do to your body catch up to you. The past several weeks I've had no energy, even when I drink multiple cups of coffee. I've lost my concentration, my motivation to fight the eating disorder, and the real will to do much of anything but lie around.

[I'm supremely good at throwing myself pity parties, especially when I myself am the cause of the problem.]

Last Wednesday, Feb. 16, my nutritionist sat me down and told me in no uncertain terms that I was really, really harming myself. She told me that I had two weeks to a) stop purging and b) start eating during the day, or she wanted me to go to an inpatient eating disorders facility over spring break in early March.


I left that appointment and cried. And cried. And cried. I felt (and still do feel) that I am powerless against these eating disorders. I'm so fucking sick and tired of fighting them. But I dried my tears, Skyped my parents, and filled them in on everything.

Let me just tell you: telling my parents about the purging, and seeing the worry on their faces, was awful. I'm so sorry, mom and dad.

Last Thursday, Feb. 17, I couldn't function. I was late to work, I was unfocused in class...it just wasn't good. And I realized that I couldn't do this all on my own. So I broke down and called my mom and begged her to come up and help me. That wasn't an easy call to make either. I've been on my own for three years now. But there are times in life when you just need your mommy, and I'm so grateful that my mom was wonderful enough to drop everything and come up (and so unbelievably grateful for a friend who donated the air miles for her to do so).

My mom stayed with me until this past Wednesday. I know it wasn't easy for her to be here with me, because I'm pretty much a hungry, exhausted, grumpy pill of a daughter right about now. But her presence was so calming. I needed her with me.

This past Wednesday, after my mom left, I had another appointment with my nutritionist. She weighed me (backward, so I couldn't see the number), took my blood pressure, listened to my heart, and took a urine sample. Since I was still purging and not eating during the day, she gave me the name of two eating disorder facilities that I needed to call. She said I needed IOP (intensive outpatient) at the very minimum, and she strongly encouraged me to go inpatient for 10 days over spring break.

And at that point, I lost it. I cried. And cried. And cried. I sat in her office and blubbered about being so tired of fighting, not wanting to deal with this shit anymore, not wanting to eat, not wanting to binge, not wanting to purge, just wanting all of this to GO. AWAY.

And my nutritionist looked at me, and she said, "I can't force you to get this help. But for your own sake, you need to." And then she told me to come back on Friday for another check-up.

I know this post is ridiculously long and rambling, but...forgive me. I just need to write a bit more.

I left the appointment and cried some more. (Take note: you guys should buy stock in Kleenex.) And I talked to several friends and cried and bitched and moaned and whined and finally decided to grow some balls and contact the treatment facilities. Since it was after hours, I left messages.

Yesterday (Thursday), I got a call back from one of the facilities. I did an intake screening over the phone (answering a bunch of questions about what I was doing/how I was doing it/how long I had been doing it, etc.) and the facilitator said that it sounded like I really did need IOP. She wanted me to come in today (Friday) for an appointment, but I had class.

So next Tuesday I'm going to a treatment facility to start IOP. It'll be five nights a week, from 5:30-8:30 p.m. I'm hoping like hell this will keep me from having to go inpatient over spring break.

You guys...I have to be honest. I really, with every bone in my body, do not. want. to. do. this. I don't want to have to take my dinner to a group session every night, and have to go through body imaging and therapy sessions and everything else I'm going to have to do. I don't want to be watched every time I go to the bathroom and I DON'T want anyone inspecting the contents of the toilet before I'm allowed to flush.

I'm terrified of them forcing me to start eating during the day again.

Have I mentioned that I fucking. hate. this?

Hell, please give me some perspective. I need it. One of my sister's friends was killed in a motorcycle accident two nights ago. I can't even imagine the level of pain his family is feeling. What right do I have to complain?!

Still, I'm lying horizontal on my couch, I have absolutely NO energy, I just want to go throw up my dinner (but I'm not. going. to.) and I have a splitting headache. My dear friend is inpatient in New Jersey for her own eating disorder, and I miss her like hell. I had to leave three classes yesterday and today because I literally could not sit there and concentrate.

I'm struggling right now.

I'm so tired of fighting. This has been eight years of disordered eating, and I know so many people have gone through so much worse, but I'm just about at the end of my rope here.

Pity party of one: check, please.


Kirsten said...

First, my sweet girl, I'm going to say that I have no idea what you are going through right now. Second, please, please, please stop saying others have it worse. It doesn't matter. You *know* what you're doing is bad for you, but for some reason deep inside you something is messed up (neurologically, biologically, psychologically - maybe all of the above? - remember I've not been in your shoes and will.not.judge)

Please focus on you and how much you are worth the time and effort and pain you will go through to put you back on the right path. The path to be a happy *and* healthy Nanny.

((hugs)) a million times over.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish I knew what to say to make it stop and be better, but clearly that's impossible. Just know that I'm on your side, and you should always feel like you can come here to write and this will be a safe place for you.

Very glad that your mom was able to come up and help you, and I hope that the sessions will help you even more, even if you're not looking forward to them. Wish I could do or say more. Will just offer a big virtual hug instead.


Erin O. said...

Wow-I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. As a nurse, if you ever need to chat or cry or vent feel free. I'm just a phone call away. But I'm very proud of you for admitting you have a problem before it is too late. Sending you lots of hugs from DC.

Nancy G. said...

I know you don't feel brave, but posting this proves that you are. Keep reaching for help and support as you need it, and one day (soon hopefully) you will be your own life raft. Until then, let others help hold you up. You'll be in my thoughts.

Hugs from a stranger/friend in Dream City.

Debbie said...

I know you don't feel brave or strong, but like the other people said, just writing this took tremendous courage and strength. Asking your mom for help took a lot of courage. You are a strong, wonderful, smart, and very courageous woman.

I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this and that you feel so alone. I know how it feels to not want to fight for everything anymore. But when you feel this way you have to tell yourself that this is not you talking. This is your brain trying to screw with you. All of the things you want to avoid are causing this internal struggle.

I so wish I could snap and make it all better for you. I can't even imagine how hard this all is. And don't belittle your own problems. You need to accept how major this is and embrace it in order to fix it. Imagine that you were watching a friend go through what you are going through. Would you think that there were bigger problems out there? There always are but you would be so worried about your friend you would do whatever it takes to get her better.

I love you sweetie and we need you around for a long time to come. You are so important to us and and so loved. Any of us here in Dallas will do anything we can to help you. Just say the word and we will do it.

Just know that you are loved no matter what is happening or what choices you make. Big hugs!!

Cait said...

Nanny, I had to do intensive inpatient therapy once (not specifically for an eating disorder but that was definitely part of it) and I will not lie, it was scary and horrible and so, so frightening to have lost all the control you have in the world BUT - it helped. I hope you don't have to do inpatient, but if you do, I will be thinking of you and sending you all the love in the world.

Bethany said...

I am so so so sorry you are dealing with this right now. You are such a brave woman to ask for help and share this on your blog, with your family and friends.

I don't really know what to say, but please know that I will pray for you.

Much love.

Anonymous said...

I am sending you love and light. You can get past this. I promise. Thinking of you. xo

Earth Angel said...

I know you posted this a few months ago, I am so sorry your going through this, my best friend is currently in a inpatient eating disorder program at a hospital in my country (New Zealand), she won't be leaving that place for at least 4 months. I don't know what you're going through from experience.. but I'm here for you if you ever need someone to talk to :).