So today I was lying horizontal on the couch (my norm these days), feeling rather sorry for myself and very much in a funk. And I was procrastinating homework and wasting time on the internet and looking through a friend's Tumblr.
And one of the things she had posted was this question: "Do you like who you've become?"
And at first I kind of rolled my eyes and went to the next post, but then some little thing in my brain was like WAIT, LET'S THINK ABOUT THIS.
So I did. I sat and thought. And I realized that right now, I'm happy(ish). For the most part I am. I just don't like who/what I've become right now. But that's okay, because that's fixable.
So I decided to make a list of what I disliked most about myself — what I needed to change to like myself better. Here is the list:
1) get the eating disorders under control.
And boom. A weight literally felt like it was lifted off my shoulders. I've been walking around for the past month freaking out because while I feel happy (thanks, Prozac!), I'm not happy. But the truth is, I am happy. Just not really with myself.
(Does that make sense? In my head it does, but lord knows that my head isn't the most stable place in the world...)
But I can become happier with myself. And right now, that means getting the fucking eating disorders under control.
There's the motivation I needed. Living with eating disorders is a second-by-second battle. But I'm tired of living this way.
Fuck this, I'm ready to fight.
(Thank you all so much for the love.)