7.30.2010

A weighty update!

(This is kind of, sort of, part deux to my other weight post.)

First, I want to thank you for your sweet comments. I *know* I'm not the only one out there who struggles. And it is so freaking hard no matter what type of eating you struggle with.

One thing I've been mediating on lately (brought on by the group therapy I've been going to) is the concept of black-and-white thinking. i.e., "I ate an entire bag of potato chips today. That basically means that today is ruined eating-wise."

I'm very, very, VERY guilty of thinking like that. If I trip up, or binge, I get so angry and upset with myself that my whole day is thrown off. And maybe the next day, too. And the next.

But what's important to remember is that life isn't black and white. Life is a gigantic grey area. And so is eating. If I ate an entire bag of potato chips today, yeah, that wasn't the best decision, but the day wasn't a complete failure because I did have a really healthy breakfast. That's a positive.

No day, or task, or meal is a complete failure. It's just impossible. Somehow, somewhere, is a positive thing that happened, no matter how small. And that moves you back into the grey area, and out of black and white.

When I beat myself up for overeating, I just have to remember the good things I did that day, as well. That I did have a few positives, no matter how small. And cling to those. And remind myself that tomorrow is a new day, a clean slate, and a time to start over.

I have up days and down days. I have days where I do feel like a complete and total failure with my eating, health, and body. But getting through this journey is a process, and I have to remind myself to take baby steps. Every positive day I have is a step closer to feeling comfortable and confident with my control of eating again.

Also:

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


YES. This is exactly it, exactly what we all need to drain into our heads.

I'm thinking about all of you, out there, if you're struggling with food or eating in any capacity. I'm here if you need me, okay? We got this!

7.28.2010

Bookworm

Sam, Ben and I were playing a game (in which they were golden bats and I was their owner) the other day, and Coco was off doing her own thang. And she was quiet. Which usually means DROP EVERYTHING! FIND THE TODDLER! MAKE SURE SHE'S NOT ON THE ROOF!

I peeked into her room and saw this...


MELT. MY. HEART. She was just sitting there, in her little rocking chair, reading an upside-down book. Love.

7.26.2010

Oh yeah, I'm still a nanny

I know I haven't been posting as many pics of Sam, Ben & Coco as I did last summer. And the main reason for that?

Coco is mobile.

I KNOW.

Last summer she could crawl, but it's nothing on her walking. Girlfriend can be out of my sight and causing mischief (climbing on top of the piano, getting into the pantry, taking off her diaper, etc.) within half a second. So if I take time to pull out my phone? or my camera? SHE'S GONE. And the contents of the refrigerator are strewn about the house.

Plus I honestly don't like having my phone when I'm with the kids. Because it's too big a temptation to check Twitter every few minutes, or play Words With Friends — and that's not fair for them, me being distracted. I don't want them to think they're second to Sasha.

So, all of this to say: I dug through my phone's camera, and here are the only two recent pics I have of the kids.


Kids + 3D glasses = AWESOME entertainment. Coco + 3D movie = BAD. IDEA.

(Actually, she was pretty good. I normally don't like taking kids her age to see movies, because it's not fair to a 21-month-old to have to sit still for 2 hours and it's not good for brain development and blah blah blah, but we *had* to get out of the house and it was 439 degrees outside so we couldn't go swimming or to the park. And we went early and the theater was empty so she could roam around. Consequently, I have *no* idea what Despicable Me is about.)

(Sam and Ben liked it, though!)


At the park. The three of them l-o-v-e-d the tire swing. And I was able to snap a picture because look! Coco is contained!

Love these three kids SO. MUCH.

7.24.2010

Pro tip:

When the doctors give you pain meds after you get your wisdom teeth out, TAKE THEM WHEN YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO.

You're welcome. Carry on.

7.22.2010

At first I was afraid, I was petrified...

AND THEN THEY GAVE ME DRU-U-UGS AND I SURVIVED

That's right, y'all: I am now down four wisdom teeth. And up a few painkillers. Life is goooooood.

Except I failed at first. Because I got to the oral surgeon's and then realized I'd only taken one of the pills pre-surgery — I was supposed to have taken a pain killer AND an antibiotic. And then I found out that I shouldn't have been drinking water today. OOPS!

(Dude: you try being outside in skinny jeans and a scarf (fashion is pain!) and sweating buckets for several hours. I WAS THIRSTY.)

But anyway. They let me do the surgery in spite of my failures. Thank you, good doctors!

I slept through the whole procedure (blame that on waking up at 5:15 this AM and running around on the playground after Sam, Ben, and Tasmanian Devil (I MEAN COCO) for a while this morning), but woke up immediately once it was done. I took a nap when I got home, but have been awake and alert since then.

(Except I do remember telling my parents that I just felt really drunk after the surgery was over and when I tried to walk. Uh. I mean, I don't know what being really drunk feels like, mom and dad. I was guessing. SWEAR.)

HOWEVER: I am on painkillers. Wheeee! I usually go crazy-hyper on painkillers, and right now my heart is thump-thump-thumping, but I can't seem to move from the couch. Except to get more gauze to stuff back in my mouth. IS FUN.

And only because I'm feeling so good and nice and kind, I'll post a picture. This was taken about three minutes after I woke up from the sedation. And about four minutes after the surgery finished. I especially like the stoned-eyes-look and the big white ice pack wrapped 'round my face. And the swelling. I. AM. ZEXAY.

Yum.

7.21.2010

I don't have that much wisdom to begin with

Tomorrow I'm getting all 4 wisdom teeth removed. Three are impacted and one has poked its painful tips through.

And, because I'm weird and paranoid, I'm doing it without general anesthesia.

NOW. Before you freak out, that doesn't mean I'm doing it without sedation. Y'all, I ain't THAT crazy. (Yet.) But I'm doing it with a "moderate" sedation, meaning I'll most likely be sleeping through the procedure but will be able to wake and answer questions.

A few things:

1) I don't like teeth.

2) I don't like drugs.

3) I like milkshakes.

The latter, of course, is what will hopefully be making me forget about the two former. So here's where you guys come in: do you have any healthy, vegetarian-friendly* recipes that can easily be made into a milkshake-like consistency?

*NO JELLO.

Or, any recipes for an effing good milkshake?

Or, are you all just wanting to see me all drugged up and dopey?

DON'T ANSWER THAT.

7.19.2010

Oh, self

I was cleaning out some drawers yesterday and came across a bunch of writing I'd done when I was 10 or 11 years old — school mini-essays and the like. And OH MY LORD, there are some gems. If I could, I'd go back in time, gaze fondly at my younger self, and advise me to get out more often.

This first prompt was "Tell me about ______" (fill-in-the-blank). And I chose to write about BABIES. Shocker, right?!

Babies make the world go around! They are the best medicine. If you are ever sad or depressed, hug a baby. They are sweetest creatures on this earth. There are not enough good words in the entire vocabulary of the world to tell anyone how wonderful a baby can be. The thing that I want most right now is a baby all my own that I'd never have to give up when its parents came home.

NOW HOLD UP. If my 5th grade teacher didn't read that last sentence and peg me as a Future Teenage Mom, she's crazy. Because y'all? OY.

Here's what happened after I wrote that: I started babysitting. And then I realized that babysitting is the BEST BIRTH CONTROL EVER!!!

I believe this mini-essay question was "What are your long term plans?" and I wrote...

As for my long term goals, I would love to go to college and work in France. I'd love to work for a couple of years after high school, then go over to France for college. I want to get a degree in teaching, and I want to teach third grade or junior high-aged kids English. Then I'd love to get married and have a ton of kids. I'd love to stay-at-home with them until my youngest is in school, then I will start teaching. All the while I'd love to be driving a periwinkle VW bug convertible.

Huh. Sounds like a nice life. France, good; teaching, good; marriage and kids, good...a periwinkle VW bug convertible?

Periwinkle? Really?

And here's the last one. I can't remember or figure out what the prompt would be, but mom and dad, YER WELCOME.

I love my parents so much and I always enjoy their company. I love to do things with them. I do things at school a lot: field trips, projects, sports games, etc., and I love looking out at the crowd and being able to see them smiling at me.

Everybody, on three: one, two, three, AWWWW.

Younger me is so adorable. And such a suck up.

7.17.2010

Anybody have a time machine for sale?


This was taken March 14, and I had just finished 5 days of living in a hostel in NYC with my friend. I had just turned 21, and when this was taken I was riding in the freeeezing cold on a bus from the city to Nyack to spend the night with my roommate. I had my knitting, my Sasha, my camera, and I was on my way to a cozy house. Love.

7.15.2010

And that's when I knew I had a problem

First of all, THANK YOU for your comments on my weighty post. I'm kind of working on a follow-up. In the meantime, I love you all, and MARGARITAS ON ME. Take one!

Second of all, I'm going to file this current post solidly in the "first world problems" category. So read this with that in mind.

So.

Sasha, my beloved 3G iPhone, my baby, my love, has been acting up lately.

It started about 6 weeks ago. She'd drop every. single. call. I made. And her apps would freeze and quit constantly. And I would cry each time and say, "WHY, Sasha, WHY do you torture your mommy so?!"

So when the 4.0 update came up, I figured maybe her software was outdated and that's what was causing the problems. So I updated my little 3G baby to the 4.0 update.

BAD MISTAKE. BAD iPHONE MOMMY.

In retrospect, I liken it to throwing a kindergartner into the middle of a 400-level college physics class. Oops. Sorry, Sash.

Even though she wasn't dropping calls anymore, Sasha's apps were still freezing and quitting all. the. time. And let's just be honest here, our relationship was struggling. I was *trying* to work with her, but then she'd get all cold and freeze and quit on me, and then we'd yell at each other and then just go to bed angry and it wasn't good for ANYBODY involved.

So I made an appointment at the Genius Bar at the Apple Store for Sasha and me. And then this is where the story gets fuzzy because hi, I'm a bit of a technology dud. So the Geniuses did a little dance, made a little love, and got down with my Sasha.

(In actuality, I have NO clue what they did to make her better. I just stood there and nodded.)

Anyway, whatever they did didn't work. So I took it back again. And they did something else. Which also didn't work. And so at the risk of booting Sasha out of my house because HELLO, if she's gonna be my iPhone partner, SHE'S GOTTA WORK WITH ME, I took her in one more time tonight.

And as I explained my situation for the fourth time to the Genius behind the counter, I got nervous. Because I could see the look in his eyes, and you all, it was not a happy look.

Then he told me that there was nothing more he could do with Sasha. And that I had to get a NEW (free) PHONE.

*CUE MY SUDDEN INTAKE OF BREATH*

Sasha? No more Sasha? My first iPhone? My baby?

But there truly was nothing to be done. So the Genius pulled out a shiny new 3G and I prepared to say goodbye to my little Sasha fierce.

The worst part, though? Oh, you guys, it's hard for me to even write it.

I was the one who had to erase Sasha's memory.

That's right. The Genius made ME double click that awful DELETE ALL CONTENTS AND MEMORY button. When he told me that, oh y'all, I wanted to put my head down on the bar and weep. And I also wished that it was a different type of bar. Because MOMMY NEEDED A GLASS OF RED WINE ABOUT THEN.

But I did it. I took a deep breath, kissed my baby Sasha, and erased her contents. And then I took my new baby, Sasha II, and left the store.

Now I'm sitting here with Sasha II. I know Sasha I isn't struggling anymore with apps that freeze and quit. And now she's on her way to iPhone heaven.

Mommy loves you, my little Sasha fierce. RIP.

7.13.2010

Me & my girls


Taken by Jen on the beach. I love our wet-haired, sandy selves :)
(Now I need a pic of me and Ben!)

7.11.2010

A weighty post

(Ha! Ha! I'M SO PUNNY)

So.

You may have noticed that my weight posts stopped running oh, three or so months ago. (I'm so punctual with updates!) They disappeared for a myriad of poor-me reasons. But first, for any nannyblog newbies out there, the backstory.

I've struggled with eating since I was 12 or 13 years old. I've *always* had a problem controlling myself around food. I've struggled with binge eating, compulsive overeating, restrictive eating, etc. You name the diet, I've probably done it. I yo-yo diet, and rebound with a gain. I stress eat. I overeat. It's bad.

I've also struggled with sneaking food, and with cravings that literally take over my mind until they are satisfied. Sometimes when I get a craving I cannot think, talk, distract myself, or do anything else until I've given in. And I go through waves — some days, weeks, months, are better than others.

When I was 15 and 16, I went to an eating disorder facility (on an outpatient basis) here in Dallas. It's an excellent facility, and they gave me excellent resources, but at the time, I just didn't have the strength or motivation to get my eating disorder under control.

I struggled for years after that. This past year, it just got worse. Especially toward the end of this past semester. Food became my enemy; I hated it with a passion, because I just couldn't control myself around it. I binged daily, sometimes multiple times a day. I ate terribly. I put things that were NOT good (high fructose corn syrup, I'm talking to you) into my body just because I couldn't stop.

When I came home this past May, I was at an all-time low. Every second of every day was a struggle with food. Every second of every day was a battle, and I was miserable. I was spiraling into a depression because of it.

So I went back to the eating disorder facility in mid-May (again, on an outpatient basis). I attended individual and group therapy. And I started to feel hope again.

It is an incredibly humbling experience to sit in on our weekly group therapy, surrounded by girls suffering from anything from overuse of laxatives, to anorexia, to bulemia, to restrictive eating, to binge eating...we run the gamut. But we learn week after week that we are all so similar. And it is a breath of fresh air.

I'm eating much healthier now. I'm a vegetarian (have been for 9 years now), but my diet has mostly been carb-heavy until now. But now I'm really concentrating on bringing in healthy proteins with good fats — LOVE avocados! — and only eating whole wheat grains. I eat as many fruits and veggies as I can each day. I love yogurt, and have it with fruit for breakfast every morning.

I also check ingredients on everything. If it has ingredients that I can't pronounce, I don't eat it. It's that simple. Or, if it has a LOT of ingredients, I don't eat it. I'm all about the simplicity now. And I eat mostly fresh, and raw, which I love.

I'm learning tools to help curb my binges. I can't tell you how helpful they've been to me, and I know a some of you have problems with binge eating as well, so I thought I'd share those tips.

1) track your food. I know, I know. I HATE doing this, but I can't tell you how much it helped. My food therapist made a chart for me where I could write date/time, feeling before eating, food eaten and amount, and feeling after eating. That really helped me figure out the best times for me to eat, and what to eat that would keep me full.

Sometimes it's hard for me to track knowing I don't have anyone to be accountable to with my food logs. So I started taking the food logs to my eating disorder facility. Just knowing someone would be looking at what I'd eaten made me want to eat better. Oh, and if any of you want to start tracking, I'm happy to be your "accountable" person — just email me or comment!

2) eat THREE SQUARE MEALS A DAY. That means breakfast, too. I absolutely cannot stand eating breakfast!!! But I do now. Every single day. Even if I get a day to sleep in, I wake up around 8 to eat breakfast and then go back to sleep. I've really noticed that I binge less if I eat breakfast.

3) just don't keep temptation food around. Don't buy it. If it's in the house and I like it, I'm going to eat it. Luckily, my family has been amazing at helping me with this.

4) really stop and think before you eat. I struggle with this one, because I tend to compulsively eat. But if you stop, force yourself to really think about what the best thing to put in your body would be, it helps. Do you feel good about this meal? Is it worth having temporary satisfaction to feel lousy and guilty later?

5) if you get a craving for something, challenge yourself to wait 5 minutes before you satisfy it. MAKE yourself wait 5 minutes. And after those 5 minutes, if you still want it, challenge yourself to wait 5 more. Sometimes I have to set my timer in 5-minute increments 10 or 15 times before I realize that giving into the craving is just. not. worth. it. (Plus I'm so proud that I've made it that long without giving in that I don't want to give in at that point!)

6) keep healthy food as your ONLY options. Fresh fruits/veggies, whole grains, good lean proteins, low- or non-fat dairy. Honestly, if you have a great streak of eating well, it's easier to resist a binge because you don't want to ruin what you're doing!*

*this isn't to say you can't ever have sweets or 'bad' foods ever again. Rather, I tell myself, "At this point in time, I know that if I open this bag of chips, I won't be able to control myself and I'll eat the whole thing. At this point in my recovery process, I am not ready for this bag of chips yet. There will come a day when I can control myself around food again, and THEN I can have some chips."

7) do whatever you can to distract yourself when you're fighting cravings, or resisting having a second helping. Take the dog for a walk. Throw away the temptation food. Watch a movie and knit. Suck on ice. I'm not even kidding you, several times I have literally sat down and written out, "I will not binge. I will not give in. I will not binge. I will not give in." hundreds of times to keep myself from binging.

8) if you exercise, if at all possible, do it in the morning. I do that for two reasons. First, if I don't exercise first thing in the morning (even if it means waking up early), I won't exercise that day. I just won't have the motivation to do it at night. Second, if I exercise in the morning, I know I've done something good for my body and it's easier to resist binging because I've already been so good that day :)

I know this post is wayyyyy long, so I'll wrap it up. I'm a few months into the process of fighting my eating disorder, and while I still struggle, I'm lightyears better than I was in May (and I've dropped a few pounds!). I really hope these tips I've gotten will help those of you who struggle. You are NOT alone in fighting eating. I'm right there with you!!! And it DOES get easier!

7.09.2010

1001 ways to occupy a toddler

So Sam and Ben LOVE to swim. Like l-o-v-e LOVE to swim. And I love that they love to swim. Because *I* love to swim. Except I can never remember my bathing suit when I go to their house. Like ever.

(It's a problem.)

But anyway. Whenever they want to swim, which is approximately 12 times a day, I'm left poolside with Coco. AKA WILD BABY WATERBEAST.

Coco has no fear of the water. Zilch. She will walk over to the side and jump in before I can blink. So short of tethering her to my chair, I try to find other ways to distract her from the fact that water is behind her.

Today? SUNSCREEN!


(Ignore her hair. She'd just gotten up from a nap, and I hadn't braved her curls yet.)

Ah, sunscreen. How I love thee. You occupied the toddler.

So while Sam and Ben were having a ball swimming, Coco was having a ball smearing globs of sunscreen all over herself, my legs, my shoes, and the chair.

Hey, whatever works, right?

7.07.2010

Every city needs a subway and that's why we invited you

So. This post has (I'm not even kidding) been rolling around in my brain SINCE THE BEGINNING OF MAY.

Oh hey, July, where'd you come from?

But: I've been thinking. I think that every city needs a subway. Like. Every single one.

One of the biggest shocks for me coming home to Texas (ALWAYS) is getting used to driving again. Because in DreamSchool city, I either take the subway, or walk. Everywhere.

It's always strange to drive again after 5-6 months. It's weird to be alone in my car after traveling with complete strangers constantly. It's weird to get used to the speed of driving again. And it's weeeiiiirrrddd to have to concentrate.

(Go with me on this one.)

Imagine this: you've just worked a long, hard (that's what she said) day. I'm talking an EPIC DAY OF EXHAUSTION. In DreamSchool city, you jump on the subway, turn on your iTunes, close your eyes, and zone out for however many stops you need to go. It's niiiiiiiiiice.

But here, and in most other cities, you end your EPIC DAY OF EXHAUSTION, climb in your car, and have to focus. concentrate. and be alert. the whole trip home. And I *know* I'm not the only one who's struggled to stay awake while driving. Can I get a what whaaaaat?

So that's why I'm calling for subways EVERYWHERE. They're quick, they're convenient, and most of all, YOU CAN SLEEP ON THEM.

(Provided the creeptastic guy next to you isn't trying to secretly steal your wallet. Or feel you up. Or both.)

7.05.2010

SAD FACE

My computer is getting some TLC at the Apple store for three or four days.

I am crying myself to sleep every night.

I MISS MY BABY MACBOOK.

7.03.2010

The wild Coconut et moi

Coco (on day 2 of no naps — she is a ZOMBIE BABY here) and me on the way to the beach.

(Photo taken by the fabulous Debbie)

7.01.2010

fubp

We went to the beach this morning. And as we stood at the top of the stairs about to walk down to the sand, we looked out across the ocean and saw light brown splotches all in the water.

Let me just tell you: playing "sandbar or oil?" is not a very fun game. Especially when the answer is "oil."

When I saw that oil I felt sad and sick. I couldn't even think about what the ocean looked like underneath the surface. The poor wildlife.

And then I got angry.

I was angry thinking of the animals and sea creatures whose lives and homes have been destroyed by this oil spill. I was angry thinking about the humans whose lives and homes have been destroyed by this oil spill.

Poor beaches and coasts. Poor animals and sea creatures. Poor humans.

Fuck you, BP.