Judge me, judge me, say that you judge me

So about 3 weeks ago, I joined a dating website.

[Go ahead and laugh. I'll wait.]

BUT: let me explain the reasons why I joined. Because they're good, I promise. 1) It was free. 2) Two friends joined and they peer-pressured me into joining. Yeah for peer pressure! 3) I'm pathetically desperate. and 4) IT WAS FREE.

So I signed myself up using a pseudonym, answered a few lame-o questions, and put up a picture of my owl-tattooed shoulder. No real identifying information, no face shots, I'M BEING CAREFUL, MOM AND DAD.

And then I promptly forgot about the account. Until.


I started getting messages. And hoo-boy, y'all, I got excited. People! Were messaging me! PEOPLE WERE MESSAGING ME! So I excitedly clicked over to my account and read the first one. And y'all: it. was. epic.

Headline: That owl
Message: is f***ing awesome.

Oh, you guys. I got weak at the knees. The way to a girl's heart is complimenting her tattoo!

Then I eagerly clicked onto the next message. Everyone, meet Epic Message #2.

Headline: handsome professor?
Message: hi (screen name) I liked your profile pic-interesting and very cute! I am a tall and fit professor, 46, live in (city). I am looking for friends or lovers, depending on how we match. If this sounds good, and you also liked my profile, please say hi and I will send pics- James

James, oh JAMES. (P.S. I edited out my screen name & city. That's what the blurs are.)

I was all set to tell James I was fully available to become his naughty schoolgirl mistress that night, UNTIL I heard that my good friend Kelly had gotten the exact same message from James after *she* signed up for that dating website.


So I clicked onto message #3, which I got a few days later.

Headline: Heyyyyy
Message: ever had a [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored]?

MISTAKE. Y'all, you're welcome for censoring.

To be fair, I've met a few great, funny people on that site. And while I don't know if I'll ever meet them in real life (because Hi! I'm paranoid!), it's been fun to chat and e-flirt.

(Though there is this one *amazing* guy who I *really* like and who is *really* funny and *really* adorable and he is going to be in *Scotland* for the next *year* doing an exchange program and *EFF YOU, SCOTLAND!*)

But before I sign off this post, I just want to leave you with Nanny's Quick Tips List for Internet Dating:

1) Please compliment me and my tattoo.
2) Please don't send multiple people (ESPECIALLY MULTIPLE PEOPLE WHO KNOW EACH OTHER) the same message.
3) Please don't send me the measurements of your genitals. Please and thank you.
4) Please don't be adorable and smart and funny and then leave for Scotland.

The end!

1 comment:

mommymichael said...


well. if you ever feel like paying for a website, that does all the tests and the matchmaking and all that stuff.

i've had several friends meet their husbands that way. One of which is younger than me, her husband about 5-7 years older than her... now happily married with a kiddo and planning another. so hey. i don't knock it. =)