A smattering of incoherent thoughts

All day yesterday and today I struggled with what I'd write on my blog about Granddad.

On the one hand, this is my blog, my outlet, a place to vent and get out emotions (and believe me — there have been plenty of those in the past 48 hours).

But on the other hand, this is a public website, and as weak and sometimes confused as my Granddad is, he is still a human being, a minister and counselor, husband, father, grandfather...and he deserves privacy, respect, and dignity. Even though it's my blog, he is my grandfather and I want to allow him that semblance of privacy.

So here I'll censor the specifics...except to say that yesterday and today have been a roller coaster. I can't speak for my mother, who is alongside me and has constantly amazed me with her strength and grace all the while watching her own father struggle, but I can speak for myself.

When we got into the hospital yesterday, went up to Granddad's room, saw him, saw his situation...I wanted nothing more than to turn around and run away. I didn't want to be faced with that sight of my Granddad, hear about his bodily fluids and watch the revolving door of nurses and physical therapists and breathing treatment technicians bustling in and out.

All in a day, I wanted to cry, to run, to scream, to vomit, to laugh, to hide. But I didn't; I couldn't. (Though I did, in the afternoon, escape to the grocery store. I'd never been so grateful to run an errand in my life.)

I don't want you to get the sense that it was all bad — during a few minutes of brilliant clarity, Granddad and I had an amazing conversation about DreamSchool city, churches there, and the Tea Party Rally I 'covered' in April. That was good. Very, very good.

And today has been better. Granddad had a procedure this morning, early, and while it was so difficult to watch him in recovery, coming out of sedation (I cowered in the corner while my mother gently stroked his arm and head and encouraged him to breathe), he was able to sleep most all of today and that was very, very good as well.

Overall, he seems better today than yesterday, and for that I am encouraged. Tomorrow will be a new day with a new set of roller coasters, but as of now I feel at peace. I've become more confident in what I need to do when I'm alone with him (things I never thought I'd be doing for my own grandfather), and more comfortable in the hospital itself.

The blessing of this trip has been the time spent with my mother. Watching her with Granddad, and interacting with hospital staff, doctors, nurses, and our extended family, has simply left me in awe. My respect for her, her strength and her character continues to grow. This cannot be easy for her, watching her father struggle...but she is handling it with such grace.

Thank you for your thoughts — I love each and every one of you. I'll update more soon.


Kirsten said...

You, your Granddad and mom and your whole family will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

Amanda said...

I am sorry you are going through this...you all continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

Monica H said...

Hang in there sweetie.