It's been another difficult week.
I cannot express how much I hate my daily battles with food.
The gym is great! I love it. I've been going Monday-Friday. Lifting weights as I walk on the treadmill.
Eating? Awful. Stress + lack of energy has me eating things I don't WANT to eat, or NEED to eat.
I have another (private) blog that I share with my suitemates. I wrote a post there a few months back that really describes what I struggle with, with what several doctors/therapists have suggested to me is Compulsive Overeating Disorder. Here's an excerpt:
yesterday i stood in the kitchen, and with my brain and stomach screaming stop. stop! you don't want these! you're not hungry! my arms pulled out the goldfish, poured a large bowl, and lifted those goddamn crackers out one by one as i ate them all.
as i ate, my mind kept saying "i do not want to eat these. i don't want these. i don't." and that's the truth: i really didn't want to eat them. but i could. not. stop.
I had another incident like that this week. Tuesday night, I was facing an all-nighter with so much work I was over-overwhelmed. With my brain screaming No! my legs carried me out of my dorm room and downstairs to the convenience store, where I proceeded to buy an entire big bag of Fritos and milk.
I felt sick. I DID NOT WANT TO EAT THEM. But I couldn't not make myself buy them. As I rode the elevator back up to my dorm room, I decided I'd beg my roommate to take them away from me. To not let me have them. But then I thought, I have to get control over myself.
With all the strength I had in me, I went to the nearest trash can and dumped the entire bag of newly-bought, untouched Fritos in it. And the milk too. And then I went back to my dorm room and burst into tears.
As I was telling one of my friends about Compulsive Overeating Disorder, she asked, "So, is it just like you love to eat a lot?"
No. No. That's not it at all. It's a daily fight to resist cravings that take over my entire mind until I satiate them. It's a daily fight to not stuff myself so full that I get sick, eating continuously while my mind screams NO! It's a daily fight to remain in control. To not balloon up to the weight I was in high school.
Most of the time I'm in control. But a few times a year, I lose it all completely. This is one of those times.
I. hate. this.