4.19.2010

Weight pictures week 6

It's been another difficult week.

I cannot express how much I hate my daily battles with food.

The gym is great! I love it. I've been going Monday-Friday. Lifting weights as I walk on the treadmill.

Eating? Awful. Stress + lack of energy has me eating things I don't WANT to eat, or NEED to eat.

I have another (private) blog that I share with my suitemates. I wrote a post there a few months back that really describes what I struggle with, with what several doctors/therapists have suggested to me is Compulsive Overeating Disorder. Here's an excerpt:

yesterday i stood in the kitchen, and with my brain and stomach screaming stop. stop! you don't want these! you're not hungry! my arms pulled out the goldfish, poured a large bowl, and lifted those goddamn crackers out one by one as i ate them all.

as i ate, my mind kept saying "i do not want to eat these. i don't want these. i don't." and that's the truth: i really didn't want to eat them. but i could. not. stop.


I had another incident like that this week. Tuesday night, I was facing an all-nighter with so much work I was over-overwhelmed. With my brain screaming No! my legs carried me out of my dorm room and downstairs to the convenience store, where I proceeded to buy an entire big bag of Fritos and milk.

I felt sick. I DID NOT WANT TO EAT THEM. But I couldn't not make myself buy them. As I rode the elevator back up to my dorm room, I decided I'd beg my roommate to take them away from me. To not let me have them. But then I thought, I have to get control over myself.

With all the strength I had in me, I went to the nearest trash can and dumped the entire bag of newly-bought, untouched Fritos in it. And the milk too. And then I went back to my dorm room and burst into tears.

As I was telling one of my friends about Compulsive Overeating Disorder, she asked, "So, is it just like you love to eat a lot?"

No. No. That's not it at all. It's a daily fight to resist cravings that take over my entire mind until I satiate them. It's a daily fight to not stuff myself so full that I get sick, eating continuously while my mind screams NO! It's a daily fight to remain in control. To not balloon up to the weight I was in high school.

Most of the time I'm in control. But a few times a year, I lose it all completely. This is one of those times.

I. hate. this.


9 comments:

Leanne...the walker said...

Girlfriend you are NOT alone. I completely identify with this post and know exactly how you feel. Hopefully if I share a few stories you will understand...

Recently I received a coupon for a FREE double stuffed golden oreos. I went to walmart, got my cookies and came home. I ate 5 before I even put my purse down. I put the oreos in the freezer in an attempt to forget about them. I did, mostly. My husband arrived home an hour later and questioned me about the oreos in the freezer. He was confused. The next day, after eating 4 before breakfast, I put them in the food processor to make them into a dessert for a party we were attending.

After Easter I went to the store to stock up on cheap candy. I got a bag of jelly beans and marshmallow peeps. I proceeded to eat more than half the bag of jelly beans before ever getting them out of the car (In my defense, I did have to drive about an hour to run an errand). Obviously when I got home I put the jelly beans in the freezer. I ate three hand-fulls for breakfast before throwing the rest (like 12 jelly beans, but whatever!) in the trash. I had 8 peeps before lunch that same day before throwing the remaining couple away.

In response to all of this, my husband says I have a problem with control. My sister laughed at his incredibly obvious comment. :-)

I don't have any words of wisdom, but I did want you to know that you aren't alone.

The Nanny said...

@Leanne Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. I could so relate to what you wrote. Hate that there are others who struggle with this, but it's nice not to be alone :(

Anonymous said...

I'M THE SAME FREAKING WAY.

like seriously. it KILLS me.

is this hereditary?

-your sister

Debbie said...

I am seriously the same way. I have actually had to get on some medication to stop the compulsive behaviors. I always know when I haven't taken my meds when I start eating like that again.

It is so hard. Especially when you are sitting there telling yourself to stop and you just can't. I can easily eat an entire box of whatever sweets are in front of me at almost anytime.

But now with the help of modern medicine I can actually stop myself. It feels good to be able to stop. You feel so helpless when you can't stop. you are not alone. Love you!

The Nanny said...

@Debbie - I actually went on a generic form of Prozac that's supposed to help curb cravings a few years ago. It didn't work for me, and I didn't even think about starting another medication. Perhaps I should revisit that idea.

Thanks for commenting :) I can't say how much I appreciate it.

@sis - Something else mom and dad screwed us for :) (KIDDING, mom and dad!)

Minivan Mom said...

I've been the same way my entire life, sweetie. At the worst parts, I was an active bulimic, and the binging was waaaaay out of control. At the "best" times (like now), I only have a binge once every couple weeks. But it's still a fight every single day.

The Nanny said...

@MM - :( I feel awful for even whispering this, but: there are times, when I'm this out of control with eating, that I wish I were anorexic. I've wished that for a long time. I know it's terrible.

Bethany said...

For some reason I can't comment on your INKED post....but I like it! :)

On an unrelated note - Sorry you are dealing with some rough stuff. But hang in there.

The Nanny said...

@Bethany - that's weird. Can you try again? I reposted it.

Thanks :)