I think my mind made my decision about leaving DreamSchool for me. Without me knowing.
Tonight, I told my friends that I might not be coming back next year. Five of my closest friends here, the girls I'm supposed to be living with next year. Four days before I leave, we finally found a Mexican food restaurant. I told them over dinner, and they cried. Really. Just thinking about me being gone, they cried.
I'm not going to lie, I kind of felt like this, at that moment (fast forward to :23 in):
But it was also sad, cause, well, I really like these sweet girls too. Though the entire time I did have a pervading sense of calm just flooding my body. And we talked about where I'd move, what I'd be doing...and it felt really right, you know? For the first time I felt more excitement about leaving DreamSchool than sadness.
So. Leaving DreamSchool? Nothing's certain, yet. But when my friends asked tonight if I could give them a percent chance that I'd come back, I said 20% -- the first thing that popped into my head. They also asked what it would take for me to stay, and I said that if DreamSchool wanted to wave a big fat scholarship in front of my face I didn't think I could turn it down. But the chances of that are miniscule.
Leaving DreamSchool. I know it's ridiculous and irrational, but I feel like a failure for cutting out after my freshman year. For not graduating. I'd become a negative statistic. A dropout. Even though I would be leaving for bigger and better (and less expensive) things, I'd still be a college dropout. At least for now.
For the past week, thoughts keep popping up in my head about this being my last tour, my last class here, my last few nights to be here at DreamSchool. I don't feel like my time here is over. And yet...it just might be.
I feel like I'm saying goodbye, now. Almost subconsciously. Which is why I think my mind has made up my decision for me.