A (tentative) decision (?)

I think my mind made my decision about leaving DreamSchool for me. Without me knowing.

Tonight, I told my friends that I might not be coming back next year. Five of my closest friends here, the girls I'm supposed to be living with next year. Four days before I leave, we finally found a Mexican food restaurant. I told them over dinner, and they cried. Really. Just thinking about me being gone, they cried.

I'm not going to lie, I kind of felt like this, at that moment (fast forward to :23 in):

But it was also sad, cause, well, I really like these sweet girls too. Though the entire time I did have a pervading sense of calm just flooding my body. And we talked about where I'd move, what I'd be doing...and it felt really right, you know? For the first time I felt more excitement about leaving DreamSchool than sadness.

So. Leaving DreamSchool? Nothing's certain, yet. But when my friends asked tonight if I could give them a percent chance that I'd come back, I said 20% -- the first thing that popped into my head. They also asked what it would take for me to stay, and I said that if DreamSchool wanted to wave a big fat scholarship in front of my face I didn't think I could turn it down. But the chances of that are miniscule.

Leaving DreamSchool. I know it's ridiculous and irrational, but I feel like a failure for cutting out after my freshman year. For not graduating. I'd become a negative statistic. A dropout. Even though I would be leaving for bigger and better (and less expensive) things, I'd still be a college dropout. At least for now.

For the past week, thoughts keep popping up in my head about this being my last tour, my last class here, my last few nights to be here at DreamSchool. I don't feel like my time here is over. And yet...it just might be.

I feel like I'm saying goodbye, now. Almost subconsciously. Which is why I think my mind has made up my decision for me.


Anonymous said...

follow your heart nanny.
follow your heart.
if these girls are ur friends they will keep in touch with u whether ur close or apart.

Stephany said...

Aw, I'm sad for you but I understand. I'm just glad that the school I'm at (not exactly MY DreamSchool but close) is really, really cheap compared to other universities. A full, 4-class schedule will cost me around $1,000 which isn't bad at all.

I hope you can go back to DS, if that's what you really want.

Kaitlyn said...

Just don't change your mind without careful consideration.

Once that is past, you have our support!

Monica H said...

Just wanted to say, that regardless of your situation, you ARE NOT a dropout, nor are you ridicuous and irrational. You have to do what feels right for you; what's right for your future. That is smart and thinking ahead. I'm proud of you regardless.

Nic said...

I am a big proponent of going with what feels right to you, even if it's not what most people would look at as 'successful'. In my book, you're successful if you're truly happy - and it sounds like what you're going to do will make you that.

Furrow said...

Sorry I've been AWOL, but I'm caught up now, and I think you are showing great maturity in your decision process (however it turns out). You're wise beyond your years, my friend.

Anonymous said...

Hey, Kiddo,

Do NOT feel like a dropout nor a failure.

I remember having those feelings. I did what you are struggling with more than once in my storied college career. And struggled with feeling like a failure/copout/dropout each time.

But you gotta do what you gotta do.

I ended up graduating from college (my fourth) summa cum laude, and did my masters work as a fully scholarshiped and stipened scholar (4.0).

And have done many things in my various careers. And everything I did during my storied college career (over 9 years!) has helped me with everything I have ever done.

Nothing you have done or will do will be wasted.

I have no worries about you!

proud popsicle