Tomorrow is my last full day, here, in the city that has become my all-of-a-sudden home.
I like it here, very much, and I'm sad to leave. I'll miss the people, I'll miss the park right across the street. I'll miss having everything within walking distance, and what I don't have within walking distance I can just hope on the subway and ride to, one, three, five, 10 stops away.
I'll miss the weather up here. Oh yes, I will. I like the snow, now. I like the distinct seasons in the northeast, whereas in Texas we get a mismatch of hot, hotter, hottest, and only slightly cooler.
I still don't know about next year. My friends at school tell me that if I don't come back, I should move back up here permanently, and I could, but I could never afford a place here, in the heart of the city. I'd have to move to the suburbs, a lengthy commute away, and I'd be alone out there, so why would I?
I've been visited multiple times in the past few days by the anxiety monster. I'd forgotten that bastard. I'd forgotten how he can just jump out from behind a corner, grab me, envelope me completely, in mere seconds. I'd forgotten the sickening nausea that accompanies him. And the panic attacks. More than once the past few days I've huddled in the corner of the laundry room, the only place I can be alone, and cried.
Even now my stomach is tightening as I write this. After I press post I'll try to distract myself with The Time Traveler's Wife or an episode of Scrubs. I want to be home, to get this leaving part over with, but I also want just a bit more time here. Am I saying goodbye, goodbye? Or just a temporary, see you next fall? I wish I solidly knew.
All my wall hangings have been taken down. It's so white behind my bed and desk that it creeps me out. All my beloved books are packed away, and a giant brown box sits where they used to. Half my clothes are packed. Tomorrow I'll pack the rest, and my bedding, and all my little knick-knacks. But it's stark and different in here already. My roommates both leave tomorrow, so I'll be alone for my last night here.
See y'all on the other side.