Square one?

So I spent a while last night talking to my dad about me. And DreamSchool. And the future.

(It really was a good conversation, I promise. Somewhat overwhelming, but good.)

Here's what it boils down to, though:

I love it here. I love DreamSchool more than I imagined. I love the school, I love the city, I love my job here, and I like my friends a lot.

But. (There's always a but, isn't there? There's a particularly large one on my backside that I'd appreciate if it got a bit smaller.)

Lately I've been troubling over the fact that I just can't justify spending $42,000+ a year to get an education that I don't plan to use.

Confused? Here's what it means: What I ultimately want to do doesn't require a college degree. When I applied to DreamSchool, I thought I wanted to be one thing. But now I know differently--essentially, it's not something I can see myself being truly happy in, and also most of the jobs in what I'm majoring in are disappearing at an alarming rate.

In the back of my head I've always been fascinated with childbirth. For a while in high school I toyed with the idea of becoming a midwife, but I wrote that off thinking I could never do that. So I focused on something else, something I loved (still love--just don't want to do professionally), and that's what lead me to DreamSchool.

Since I got to DreamSchool I honestly realized that I did want to do something with childbirth post-college. I've decided to become a doula after I graduate--take the necessary courses, get certified, do some time as an apprentice--and perhaps that'll lead to midwifery later on down the road. I also want to be a part of changing how pregnancy/maternity is gone about in the U.S. (it's so royally fucked up that I get angry just thinking about it). But this is what I want for the immediate future--to be a doula.

Which brings me back to paying $42,000+ per year to get an education I don't plan to use.

I love it here so much. But the money is a serious issue, because, well, I just don't have $130,000 to spend on the next 3 years of education here. Which means I'd be getting into pretty serious debt, especially with the economy in a shithole, financial aid is VERY sparse. There's also another issue that I can't discuss here yet but is weighing very heavily on my heart and making leaving DreamSchool a bigger possibility.

But every time I think about leaving here...

I know I have other options. I could leave DreamSchool and enroll in some random state school to finish up my education. I could do the community college route. Etc. etc. etc. But the thing is, I am so proud to be here at DreamSchool. I know how hard it is to get in here. I know how hard I work here, and I know how prestigious this school is. I'm so damn proud of myself for succeeding in this school thus far that I don't want to give it up and go to a state school or community college.

But. Money. Other-issue-that-I'm-not-discussing-here-yet. Etc.

It's a lot to think about. Assvice is, as always, welcomed.


Anonymous said...

Life...so many roads open for the taking...if only it were as simple as knowing which one is THE ONE!

Some thoughts...
-You deserve to be so very proud of yourself...look what you've accomplished!
-Would you be just as proud of yourself as you work towards your heart's desire and follow your passion? Would you love honoring yourself...and all the women and families who will need you to be with them?
-Can you study premed and move on from there?

Good luck and relax...the answer will come!

Monica H said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Monica H said...

You do have a lot on your plate. I know which route I would take, but the decision is not mine. Think of your future, not just your current status. We wise like the owls on your bedding :-)

And email me if you want to talk about the "other" thing.


Anonymous said...

Oh nanny. I understand the dilemma, and I know how agonizing and confusing this decision is.

No advice; nothing I could say would make the a-ha moment come easier. Just wishing you peace and clarity and support for whatever you decide. :)