A weighty issue

In light of Jenny's recent post about weight and stuff, I thought I'd share my own experiences with y'all. You know, in the interest of putting it all out there. Because I am a martyr. And such.

I've always been overly body-conscious. I've always thought of myself as a larger person, and my extremely short stature (4'11) hasn't helped that. Growing up in small private schools, especially my rich kids high school with it's size 0 blonde bimbos bleaching their hair and hiring trainers with daddy's credit cards, I felt like a whale.

Truth be told, I was never all that huge. I know that now looking back on things. It wasn't so bad in middle school, but in high school, my body anxiety reached an all time high. (Whose didn't?) Because I was obsessing with NOT eating as much, I would overeat. And snack. All the time. I would sneak food into my room at night and binge. I was ashamed to let my parents know or see, and I was ashamed to reach out to them for help. In high school, I gained about 35 lbs. For a person as short as I am, that's a HUGE amount.

I went on WeightWatchers a few times, and tried dieting more times than I care to admit. Several times a year I'd be determined to GET ACTIVE and I'd go to the gym a few times and then lose interest. After sitting on my butt for 9 hours a day at school, driving home and sitting on my butt for another 5-6 hours with homework, I'd be exhausted and just want to go to bed. And eat.

I went to see a counselor sometime my freshman year (I believe). I explained my overeating and problems with food (obsessive compulsive eating), but he was absolutely no help. He told me, point blank, that I COULD NOT SNACK. I SHOULD NOT give in to snacking. But in my mind, that backfired and all I wanted was to eat more.

During my sophomore year, I went to see a different counselor at a place that was specifically for eating disorders. I think it's officially called a wellness clinic, but it was really just for people who had problems with food. The woman I saw was pretty good. She helped me a little, but eventually conceded that maybe I needed to go on medication (which I had been lobbying for for some time). So to a doctor I went.

The doctor prescribed a generic form of Prozac. Apparently it helps block something in your brain that makes you crave food and want to eat. I was on it for a while, but it didn't make any real difference, so I went off it again.

In the meantime, I continued to gain weight. I think I put on about 20-25 lbs in my junior and senior year of high school alone. I hated my body.

I gave up.

After I graduated and started nannying full-time, I became a lot more active. Chasing a 2 year old and a 6 year old all day will do that for you. And because I was so busy, I think I ate less. Something, I think, clicked in my brain. I started eating smaller portions without even realizing it. I started losing weight. Slowly, very slowly, but it was happening.

In the little over a year since I graduated and then moved to college, I lost between 25 and 30 lbs pretty much without trying. At my sickest over the summer, I was down a full 30 lbs. That fluxuated, of course, once I got better and gained a little weight back, but still, I was happier.

Even now, I'd love to be 10 or 15 lbs thinner. But I am so much happier with my body now. I embrace my curves. I love my big boobs, and I've got a great ass, if I do say so myself. I wish I could figure out what made my brain jump into action because I'd love to kick that back into overdrive again cause college, well...let's just say I've put on weight again. I don't think it's much (I don't have access to a scale). I'd guess 5-7 lbs. But still. It's okay. There are still times when I look in the mirror and hate what I see, but it's less often now. I still struggle on a daily basis but it's better.

Looking back at pictures on Facebook is embarrassing, and painful. I'd like to delete forever the heavier time in my life, but I know that I could so easily be back there again so I'm keeping the pictures on for now. Because this is me. Fat or thin, it's me. And years from now, I want to remember the good times and the bad.

Just...hopefully years from now I'll be a size 4.


Monica H said...

My feet aren't even a size 4!

Thanks for being so honest and putting it all out there. I don'tknow that I could. You know...I'm still in that denial stage.

You want my scale?

Anonymous said...

Oh sweetie - again, as I wrote on Jennny's blog, I have a weight post written in my head, but just haven't done it. I WILL do it, on Thursday, no matter what the weight. (Thursday because that's my own personal day to check my weight).

I wish I could tell you it gets easier, and I guess compared to my incredibly angsty teen and 20s it does...but it's still so hard. I weigh less than I did when I graduated college right now (after having 3 kids) and I still feel like I'm disgusting.