8.13.2008

The dreaded call

I knew it would happen sooner or later. And yet, I am thrown completely off-guard. Completely. I knew that at some point, I'd have to run into the R.'s somewhere. But since it's been 6 months of nothing, no contact whatsoever, I naively thought I was in the clear. 2.5 weeks until I move away, months of searching for closure and finally attaining some of it...and the wounds have been ripped open again.

I didn't run into them...but Mrs. R. called me a few minutes ago.

I don't have her number programmed into my cell phone anymore. But I did still recognize it--I memorized it long ago just in case anything ever happened with one of the girls. When it popped up on my screen this afternoon, my heart stopped. I didn't answer. But a feeling of dread, of panic, of anxiety, flooded me.

She left a message. I knew she would. I knew what was coming. Have I left for school? A. has been asking for me often. She wants to know if I'm going to say goodbye to her before I go. Mrs. R. did say that I didn't have to call her back, but if I wanted to...she left her number.

As I was listening to the message, I was struck by her tone. I couldn't read it, exactly. Was there a hint of embarrassment? Shame? Or was she dreading the call as much as I was? I couldn't tell.

I'm going to be honest with you guys. I do not want to see them before I go.

I don't.

I don't.

I don't.

And (terribly, I know) I am questioning whether or not Mrs. R. was lying on that message. Probably not. I don't know. All I know is that whatever peace I had made with the whole R. situation has been broken. If I don't call her back, I'll feel so guilty. If I do...what do I say? I'm so sorry, but I don't want to deal with this anymore? That it's been hurting me for the past 8 months (since I gave my notice) and I'm finally, with the help of a psychologist, getting a hell of a lot better? That I'm still very, very angry with her?

But the thought of my sweet baby A. asking for me...overwhelms me. I want to cry. I am kind of shocked that Mr. and Mrs. R. didn't just lie to her and tell her I had gone away.

I don't want to deal with this. Part of me is screaming You've got way to much on your plate right now to worry about this more--moving, leaving people, anxiety already--it's just not worth it!. Part of me is screaming You need to step up and do the right thing--to say goodbye to the girls. It's not about you. Do what's best for them. Part of me is screaming How do I know this is best for them? How do I know this won't hurt them as much as it has me? but part of me also knows that's not true.

I don't know.

I have a fierce urge to scream profanities, rip out my hair and not call her back.

I would like to talk to Dr. C. about this, but my next appointment with her isn't until Friday. And I don't want to neglect Mrs. R.'s message.

This hurts...so badly. I wish D. were here. But she's on a trip and won't be back until late Friday night.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

gnorsh gunkies!

Monica H said...

I'll post more when I have time- I'm on the way out the door.

But I'm thinking of you !