(For the record, it's pronounced "ball," with a little "eh" at the end. I have no idea how to spell it in German, but I can say it!)
So: I am 1.5 weeks into nannying for Clara, and I've got to say, it's been a really cool experience. She babbles mostly in German, but she's picking up words in English here and there, and it's so amazing to me that she's learning them FROM me! We still communicate a lot via sign language, and I'm using that as much as I can while speaking to her solely in English. (Though yes, I have picked up a few basic German words as well!)
She's a really sweet girl. She has trouble when I first get there in the mornings, because she knows her mom is going to leave. But after initial tears, she LOVES to snuggle up and read books, go for walks, play with her puppies (two white curly dogs that I honestly can't tell apart even after 1.5 weeks), and color.
She seems to understand about 1/4 of what I'm saying when I direct her to do something. I gotta say, though, girlfriend knows how to clean up, and she does it well! After we're done playing, I'll sign and say, "time to clean up, Clara!" and then I'll sing the Barney clean up song (I apologize if that song is now in your head. It's been in mine for the past week in a half.) And she helps pick up -- it's great.
In addition to nannying for Clara, I have a new standing babysitting job on Saturday nights. It's one little girl who just turned two, and who is trilingual. TRILINGUAL. As in, she speaks damn fluently in THREE LANGUAGES.
I'll pause for a minute while all the rest of us non-trilingual people feel bad about ourselves.
But yeah. This little girl speaks German with her dad, Swedish with her mom, and English with her daycare and me. She's able to switch back and forth completely easily depending on who she's talking to. It's incredible, and I'm picking up words from her too...the only problem is I don't know whether they're in German or in Swedish!
I have to say, this is an entirely new experience for me -- working with foreign-born families. It means different cultures, different interpretations, different routines. But I'm really enjoying it so far :)
[EXHALE.]
One question I have for any of you in the greater Boston area -- do any of you attend classes at Isis? Clara does once a week, and I wanted to hear what others thought of it.
1.14.2012
My hormone levels are back to normal!
That sigh of relief you hear? That's me. I NO LONGER FEEL LIKE I HAVE BUBBLES OF ESTROGEN PING-PONGING AROUND INSIDE MY BRAIN! THANK YOU JEEBUS (AND MY THERAPIST!).
So.
Last Tuesday was...rough. Really rough. But as you guys said, the next day would be better. And it was — a lot. And Friday's therapy session kicked ass and took names and reminded me why I need to name my firstborn daughter after my psychologist. People like the name Nicole, right?
(Just kidding. You guys know I've had my baby names picked out for, like, a trillion years. And I'm not budging on them. Baby daddy ain't got no say, y'all.)
So since I left this completely unresolved, I thought I'd update on my job situation! Yahoo! JOBS! Or lack thereof! Please don't remind my roommate I owe her a large rent check in a week that I will be unable to pay!
AKA...yeah, I left my sweet Pius :( You guys, I'm so sad. His mom has texted me a few pictures of him since then and each one makes me about cry. I miss my little guy. I miss his chubby cheeks, his loooong legs (when I wore him in the Moby his feet came down to my knees), and his big smile. I miss how he fell asleep heavy in my arms and just completely sunk into me. I know it was no longer a good work environment...but I'm having a hard time moving on from this one.
I've been looking for jobs for a few weeks now, but haven't really been able to find anything that feels "right" and fits with my class hours/pays enough. I've taken a job for a 17-month-old girl named Clara, who is German and doesn't speak a word of English, but who is really sweet. I start with them on Monday, and I really don't know how I feel about it. I just know I need to be able to pay rent this month.
This whole being an adult thing is hard sometimes, yeah?
(Please know I use the term "adult" very, VERY loosely.)
But, because my Prozac seems to be helping tonight, here are good things in my life:
1) I have a job.
2) I have my best friend living upstairs. She's my sanity. I should name my daughter after HER. (Oh wait! I kind of am!)
3) There's a sweet funny boy named Andy who's been hanging around my life lately.
4) I have a great therapist.
5) I'm warm, safe, dry, full, and so loved and supported.
See? There are good things. And those good things help balance out the crazy hormone-driven breakdowns and the anxiety resulting from having to take a really low-paying job out of desperation. Because despite those breakdowns and that anxiety, I still have each of those five things listed above. And that's more than enough.
(I don't want to give the impression that I'm dreading this job I've taken. Clara is lovely, and I adore her parents. It's just the pay is low and the language barriers between all of us can be tricky. Anybody want to teach me German?)
So.
Last Tuesday was...rough. Really rough. But as you guys said, the next day would be better. And it was — a lot. And Friday's therapy session kicked ass and took names and reminded me why I need to name my firstborn daughter after my psychologist. People like the name Nicole, right?
(Just kidding. You guys know I've had my baby names picked out for, like, a trillion years. And I'm not budging on them. Baby daddy ain't got no say, y'all.)
So since I left this completely unresolved, I thought I'd update on my job situation! Yahoo! JOBS! Or lack thereof! Please don't remind my roommate I owe her a large rent check in a week that I will be unable to pay!
AKA...yeah, I left my sweet Pius :( You guys, I'm so sad. His mom has texted me a few pictures of him since then and each one makes me about cry. I miss my little guy. I miss his chubby cheeks, his loooong legs (when I wore him in the Moby his feet came down to my knees), and his big smile. I miss how he fell asleep heavy in my arms and just completely sunk into me. I know it was no longer a good work environment...but I'm having a hard time moving on from this one.
I've been looking for jobs for a few weeks now, but haven't really been able to find anything that feels "right" and fits with my class hours/pays enough. I've taken a job for a 17-month-old girl named Clara, who is German and doesn't speak a word of English, but who is really sweet. I start with them on Monday, and I really don't know how I feel about it. I just know I need to be able to pay rent this month.
This whole being an adult thing is hard sometimes, yeah?
(Please know I use the term "adult" very, VERY loosely.)
But, because my Prozac seems to be helping tonight, here are good things in my life:
1) I have a job.
2) I have my best friend living upstairs. She's my sanity. I should name my daughter after HER. (Oh wait! I kind of am!)
3) There's a sweet funny boy named Andy who's been hanging around my life lately.
4) I have a great therapist.
5) I'm warm, safe, dry, full, and so loved and supported.
See? There are good things. And those good things help balance out the crazy hormone-driven breakdowns and the anxiety resulting from having to take a really low-paying job out of desperation. Because despite those breakdowns and that anxiety, I still have each of those five things listed above. And that's more than enough.
(I don't want to give the impression that I'm dreading this job I've taken. Clara is lovely, and I adore her parents. It's just the pay is low and the language barriers between all of us can be tricky. Anybody want to teach me German?)
1.10.2012
My hormones are bouncing out my eardrums.
(I apologize in advance for the vagueness of this post...I just kind of need to write.)
You know when you're thisclose to bursting into tears, have a huge lump in your throat, are so anxious you feel nauseated and can't eat, and are just about so depressed you can't function? Hi, you guys, c'est moi right now.
It ain't pretty.
My best friend and my therapist (two different people, btw) have both made the very valid observation that I shy away from my feelings. I'm scared of them. I don't like facing them. (Who does?) And, instead, I resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms (shoutout to the eating disorder!) and/or complete and total freak-outs.
Today the latter happened. I found myself in tears in a coffee shop frantically trying to un-say all the awful things I had just said to my best friend. I got panicked and paranoid and she, who has done absolutely nothing wrong, got the brunt of it. I think it's a combination of anxiety (hi, I'm unemployed), nervousness (I start school next week, my last semester), anxiety and nervousness (I had a job interview tonight), etc. But instead I hurt my sweet friend and for that I just feel awful.
I feel like there's a time about every month where I just lose my shit. Maybe it's my period, yeah, but I'm most inclined to think I'm just damn good at cooping feelings up inside me til I explode. And that's not fair to me or my best friend.
I've got faults. Big ones. I'm an insanely jealous person. I don't deal with my feelings well (another shoutout to the eating disorder). I know I should talk through and write through and process everything but to be completely honest, all I really want to do is puke my brains out so that I can become a bit more numb.
But I'm not going to. Instead, I'm going to open up a microsoft word document on my computer, and just write until I (hopefully) feel better.
To Cait: Instead of vomiting, I'm going to word vomit. #wegottalaugh.
P.S. I may or may not be counting down the hours til I see my therapist on Friday.
You know when you're thisclose to bursting into tears, have a huge lump in your throat, are so anxious you feel nauseated and can't eat, and are just about so depressed you can't function? Hi, you guys, c'est moi right now.
It ain't pretty.
My best friend and my therapist (two different people, btw) have both made the very valid observation that I shy away from my feelings. I'm scared of them. I don't like facing them. (Who does?) And, instead, I resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms (shoutout to the eating disorder!) and/or complete and total freak-outs.
Today the latter happened. I found myself in tears in a coffee shop frantically trying to un-say all the awful things I had just said to my best friend. I got panicked and paranoid and she, who has done absolutely nothing wrong, got the brunt of it. I think it's a combination of anxiety (hi, I'm unemployed), nervousness (I start school next week, my last semester), anxiety and nervousness (I had a job interview tonight), etc. But instead I hurt my sweet friend and for that I just feel awful.
I feel like there's a time about every month where I just lose my shit. Maybe it's my period, yeah, but I'm most inclined to think I'm just damn good at cooping feelings up inside me til I explode. And that's not fair to me or my best friend.
I've got faults. Big ones. I'm an insanely jealous person. I don't deal with my feelings well (another shoutout to the eating disorder). I know I should talk through and write through and process everything but to be completely honest, all I really want to do is puke my brains out so that I can become a bit more numb.
But I'm not going to. Instead, I'm going to open up a microsoft word document on my computer, and just write until I (hopefully) feel better.
To Cait: Instead of vomiting, I'm going to word vomit. #wegottalaugh.
P.S. I may or may not be counting down the hours til I see my therapist on Friday.
1.01.2012
New Years 2012
Is this really the fifth time I've done this? Seriously? Is my blog THAT old? (Am I that old?!!)
2011
2010
2009
2008
1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
Honestly, this one stumped me. I have no idea. YES I AM BORING. Next!
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
This is the same answer every year — I don't do new year's resolutions.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope?
4. Did anyone close to you die?
I don't think so. Thank you, universe.
5. What countries did you visit?
None! (Seriously, can you stand the excitement here?)
6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
I typically say more time to read. But I've been doing really well guarding my reading time lately, so for 2012, I'll say...more time volunteering and giving back.
7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I'm a bad friend and can't remember the exact date, but meeting Cait is just about the best thing ever. I also loved going to MIchigan with my family.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Honestly, all the love I poured into caring for Pius. He's my sweet angel boy.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not putting myself first when I needed to.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I'm certainly not as healthy as I'd like to be. But I'm working on that! See, people, just call me Pollyanna on Prozac. (Same answer from last year!)
11. What was the best thing you bought?
I bought a few Shel Silverstein books really cheap. I'm pretty psyched about that, not going to lie. (Runny Babbit, anyone?)
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Yours did. Let's party!!!
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
[insert name of person HERE]
14. Where did most of your money go?
1) rent in New England (OOF)
2) DreamSchool!
3) laundry (DOUBLE OOF)
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
CAIT MOVED TO BOSTON!
16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Florence + The Machine's Dog Days Are Over. Cause y'all, I SURVIVED. (I put that answer last year, and it's still applicable. That, and Edward Sharp and the Magnetic Zeroes' Home.)
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder?
Happier. Without question.
b) thinner or fatter?
Thinner. But...not for good reasons.
c) richer or poorer?
POORER OH HI BANK ACCOUNT WITH A BALANCE IN THE DOUBLE DIGITS!
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
More adventuring!
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Wasted time doing nothing on the computer.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
At my parents' house with them & my little sis.
21. Did you fall in love in 2011?
Yup. With my therapist and my best friend in the entire world.
22. What was your favorite TV program?
My parents will be SO PROUD — Downton Abbey. Has anyone else seen it???
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I don't think so.
24. What was the best book you read?
Oh, my god, I couldn't even pick. Seriously. It would be painful for me to even try.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I just listen to what Cait and my roommates tell me to listen to. I like their stuff.
26. What did you want and get?
Lots of laughter.
27. What did you want and not get?
Man, the College Tuition Fairy didn't show up to stuff thousands of dollars beneath my pillow. Sigh.
28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Uh. Harry Potter 7.2. Did you even have to ask.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 22, and is it completely lame that I can't remember? OH WAIT — I was at work in the admission office. I'm pretty sure that was the day we had to pull and refile 7,000 files. WAS FUN.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Hmmm. Less homework! :)
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
One word, and y'all, you are absolutely allowed to judge me: JEGGINGS.
32. What kept you sane?
Cait, my therapist, my family, and Prozac.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Uh. You. Obvs.
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Here's my biggest wish for 2012: making gay marriage legal EVERYWHERE. Can you say rainbow parties everyone?!?!
35. Who did you miss?
It was really hard being away from my family so much.
36. Who was the best new person you met?
Cait. Without question. Followed by my therapist.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
Sometimes I have to say NO. And that I'm worth prioritizing myself.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
The dog days are over!
THE END. Oof. Every year I forget how long this darn thing is. If you made it all the way through, allow me to give you a big kiss. Except not my parents. Because, uh, ew.
Here's to a happy, healthy 2012 for us all!
(AHEM Cait/others. Do this survey too. Please.)
2011
2010
2009
2008
1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
Honestly, this one stumped me. I have no idea. YES I AM BORING. Next!
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
This is the same answer every year — I don't do new year's resolutions.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope?
4. Did anyone close to you die?
I don't think so. Thank you, universe.
5. What countries did you visit?
None! (Seriously, can you stand the excitement here?)
6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
I typically say more time to read. But I've been doing really well guarding my reading time lately, so for 2012, I'll say...more time volunteering and giving back.
7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I'm a bad friend and can't remember the exact date, but meeting Cait is just about the best thing ever. I also loved going to MIchigan with my family.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Honestly, all the love I poured into caring for Pius. He's my sweet angel boy.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not putting myself first when I needed to.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I'm certainly not as healthy as I'd like to be. But I'm working on that! See, people, just call me Pollyanna on Prozac. (Same answer from last year!)
11. What was the best thing you bought?
I bought a few Shel Silverstein books really cheap. I'm pretty psyched about that, not going to lie. (Runny Babbit, anyone?)
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Yours did. Let's party!!!
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
[insert name of person HERE]
14. Where did most of your money go?
1) rent in New England (OOF)
2) DreamSchool!
3) laundry (DOUBLE OOF)
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
CAIT MOVED TO BOSTON!
16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Florence + The Machine's Dog Days Are Over. Cause y'all, I SURVIVED. (I put that answer last year, and it's still applicable. That, and Edward Sharp and the Magnetic Zeroes' Home.)
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder?
Happier. Without question.
b) thinner or fatter?
Thinner. But...not for good reasons.
c) richer or poorer?
POORER OH HI BANK ACCOUNT WITH A BALANCE IN THE DOUBLE DIGITS!
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
More adventuring!
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Wasted time doing nothing on the computer.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
At my parents' house with them & my little sis.
21. Did you fall in love in 2011?
Yup. With my therapist and my best friend in the entire world.
22. What was your favorite TV program?
My parents will be SO PROUD — Downton Abbey. Has anyone else seen it???
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I don't think so.
24. What was the best book you read?
Oh, my god, I couldn't even pick. Seriously. It would be painful for me to even try.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I just listen to what Cait and my roommates tell me to listen to. I like their stuff.
26. What did you want and get?
Lots of laughter.
27. What did you want and not get?
Man, the College Tuition Fairy didn't show up to stuff thousands of dollars beneath my pillow. Sigh.
28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Uh. Harry Potter 7.2. Did you even have to ask.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 22, and is it completely lame that I can't remember? OH WAIT — I was at work in the admission office. I'm pretty sure that was the day we had to pull and refile 7,000 files. WAS FUN.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Hmmm. Less homework! :)
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
One word, and y'all, you are absolutely allowed to judge me: JEGGINGS.
32. What kept you sane?
Cait, my therapist, my family, and Prozac.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Uh. You. Obvs.
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Here's my biggest wish for 2012: making gay marriage legal EVERYWHERE. Can you say rainbow parties everyone?!?!
35. Who did you miss?
It was really hard being away from my family so much.
36. Who was the best new person you met?
Cait. Without question. Followed by my therapist.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
Sometimes I have to say NO. And that I'm worth prioritizing myself.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
The dog days are over!
THE END. Oof. Every year I forget how long this darn thing is. If you made it all the way through, allow me to give you a big kiss. Except not my parents. Because, uh, ew.
Here's to a happy, healthy 2012 for us all!
(AHEM Cait/others. Do this survey too. Please.)
12.29.2011
Greetings from Texas
So...happy holidays! How have yours been? Mine have been VERY VERY EVENTFUL! Hey Santa, can you bring me some Xanax? THANKS!
First thing: this girl is without a doubt the strongest person I've ever met. If you could, go give her some love, please?
Second thing: my little sister had her tonsils and her adenoids out! OH, MY LOOPY DRUG-INDUCED GOODNESS, Y'ALL. She doesn't know this yet, but she promised to name her firstborn child after me and had my face tattooed onto her left butt cheek. Sister love!
Third thing: shit went down with my job with Pius. He's almost nine months old, delicious, chubby, still immobile (YES), and growing more fun every day. But last week, his mother treated me completely unprofessionally and inappropriately. She's apologized profusely, but right now I'm trying to decide whether or not to continue with the job. It's not a fun or easy decision.
Whatever happens, I know will be for the best...right now it's just pretty heartbreaking. I'd miss that baby boy something fierce if I were to leave, and I've cried many, many tears thinking about that. But I'm just not sure I should continue working there. :(
Fourth thing: Max the reindeer says hello. Or maybe he's begging for help to get out of the reindeer antlers. I'm not sure. Either way, he's cute.
Really, though, I'm happy and lucky and grateful for everything I have in life. And even though life throws shit our way (or our best friend's way), it can still be damn good. I'm wishing all of you the very best, and happy holidays as well. xo.
First thing: this girl is without a doubt the strongest person I've ever met. If you could, go give her some love, please?
Second thing: my little sister had her tonsils and her adenoids out! OH, MY LOOPY DRUG-INDUCED GOODNESS, Y'ALL. She doesn't know this yet, but she promised to name her firstborn child after me and had my face tattooed onto her left butt cheek. Sister love!
Third thing: shit went down with my job with Pius. He's almost nine months old, delicious, chubby, still immobile (YES), and growing more fun every day. But last week, his mother treated me completely unprofessionally and inappropriately. She's apologized profusely, but right now I'm trying to decide whether or not to continue with the job. It's not a fun or easy decision.
Whatever happens, I know will be for the best...right now it's just pretty heartbreaking. I'd miss that baby boy something fierce if I were to leave, and I've cried many, many tears thinking about that. But I'm just not sure I should continue working there. :(
Fourth thing: Max the reindeer says hello. Or maybe he's begging for help to get out of the reindeer antlers. I'm not sure. Either way, he's cute.
Really, though, I'm happy and lucky and grateful for everything I have in life. And even though life throws shit our way (or our best friend's way), it can still be damn good. I'm wishing all of you the very best, and happy holidays as well. xo.
12.19.2011
Going home: a post of irrational fears
So! I leave for good ol' conservative Tey-has tomorrow bright and early. I haven't been back to my home state for nearly a year. That's insane to me — how has a year passed so quickly? Slash, how come I keep getting older?
I've been kind of sort of maybe a little bit FUH-REAKING OUT about going back to Dallas lately. Like, imagine me collapsed in bed sobbing dramatically for absolutely no good reason while my best friend sympathetically pats me on the back (all the while justifiably rolling her eyes at me behind my back). That's happened several times in the past week. Or two days.
Here are some of my irrational anxieties:
* I AM FAT OH MY GOODNESS. I've gained weight since I saw my parents and sister in Michigan. The only logical conclusion I can draw from this is that I am a complete failure at life. Plus, you know, I'm still fat.
* My dog Max won't remember me. Seriously. I haven't seen him in a YEAR. I had a dream the other week that he totally didn't know me. Broke. my. heart. to. pieces.
* [food] [food] [food] [food] [food] [foodfoodfoodfoodfoodfoodFOOD]
* Fat. (See first bullet point.)
But, since I am an eternal optimist, here are some things I am looking forward to about going to Texas:
* Warmer weather (please, jeebus)
* Free laundry (THANK YOU JEEBUS)
* My sister is getting her tonsils removed. I am looking forward to endless hours of making her do ridiculous things while she's all loopy on painkillers. Video and pictures to come, I SWEAR.
Look at me, y'all. I'm a regular Susie Sunshine 'round these here parts. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go back to panicking about the enormous size of my body BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR THAT FITS SO HOW CAN I PACK GUH.
I've been kind of sort of maybe a little bit FUH-REAKING OUT about going back to Dallas lately. Like, imagine me collapsed in bed sobbing dramatically for absolutely no good reason while my best friend sympathetically pats me on the back (all the while justifiably rolling her eyes at me behind my back). That's happened several times in the past week. Or two days.
Here are some of my irrational anxieties:
* I AM FAT OH MY GOODNESS. I've gained weight since I saw my parents and sister in Michigan. The only logical conclusion I can draw from this is that I am a complete failure at life. Plus, you know, I'm still fat.
* My dog Max won't remember me. Seriously. I haven't seen him in a YEAR. I had a dream the other week that he totally didn't know me. Broke. my. heart. to. pieces.
* [food] [food] [food] [food] [food] [foodfoodfoodfoodfoodfoodFOOD]
* Fat. (See first bullet point.)
But, since I am an eternal optimist, here are some things I am looking forward to about going to Texas:
* Warmer weather (please, jeebus)
* Free laundry (THANK YOU JEEBUS)
* My sister is getting her tonsils removed. I am looking forward to endless hours of making her do ridiculous things while she's all loopy on painkillers. Video and pictures to come, I SWEAR.
Look at me, y'all. I'm a regular Susie Sunshine 'round these here parts. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go back to panicking about the enormous size of my body BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR THAT FITS SO HOW CAN I PACK GUH.
12.14.2011
Parenting done right
This? Is beyond incredible. This is how I aspire to parent my future children.
Led by the child who simply knew
Led by the child who simply knew
12.01.2011
Oh hi! Remember me?
You guys, I swear I'm still alive and functioning. And sweet jeebus, I know I haven't written in ten years but 1) work and 2) work and 3) work and 4) I have to keep up blogs for school and when you have to blog as homework it totally makes you not want to blog at all and 5) WORK.
But HI I MISSED YOU ALL CAN I COME BACK TO NANNYBLOGDOM NOW PLEASE?
Seriously. I have amazing happy stories that I got after my last post to put up (I will, I swear, at some point in my lifetime). I have happy news to share with you guys (um hi, my best friend moved to my city and is currently living with me (!!!!) which is. um. just. amazing). In two weeks, I'll have just one semester of college separating me from being a college graduate.
HOLY SHIZZNITS.
I started this blog before I had even convinced myself to go to college. And now, come May, I will be walking across a stage and they will be handing me a diploma WITH MY NAME ON IT and oh, my goodness, I have to become a real live adult then. WHAT.
• I like bullet points, so let's use those for the rest of the post!
• Update on Pius! You guys, I'm pretty sure this baby hung the moon and the stars and then some. He's almost 8 months old (ALSO WHAT), has two adorable teeth poking through on the bottom, sits up like a champ, is (thankgoodness) nowhere near crawling, and is finally warming up to the idea of baby food. I look forward to seeing him each day, even when he's Mr. Crankypants, because he's just so damn cute. My boy.
• Update on best friend: she's here, she keeps me sane, and she's pretty much the bee's knees.
• Update on my (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) love life: I have a date tomorrow night with a funny boy. Details TBD.
• Update on my mental state: thank god for my therapist.
• Update on this blog: I will be back soon. Promise. Swear. It's been weird not being here this past month and a half. So here I am.
But HI I MISSED YOU ALL CAN I COME BACK TO NANNYBLOGDOM NOW PLEASE?
Seriously. I have amazing happy stories that I got after my last post to put up (I will, I swear, at some point in my lifetime). I have happy news to share with you guys (um hi, my best friend moved to my city and is currently living with me (!!!!) which is. um. just. amazing). In two weeks, I'll have just one semester of college separating me from being a college graduate.
HOLY SHIZZNITS.
I started this blog before I had even convinced myself to go to college. And now, come May, I will be walking across a stage and they will be handing me a diploma WITH MY NAME ON IT and oh, my goodness, I have to become a real live adult then. WHAT.
• I like bullet points, so let's use those for the rest of the post!
• Update on Pius! You guys, I'm pretty sure this baby hung the moon and the stars and then some. He's almost 8 months old (ALSO WHAT), has two adorable teeth poking through on the bottom, sits up like a champ, is (thankgoodness) nowhere near crawling, and is finally warming up to the idea of baby food. I look forward to seeing him each day, even when he's Mr. Crankypants, because he's just so damn cute. My boy.
• Update on best friend: she's here, she keeps me sane, and she's pretty much the bee's knees.
• Update on my (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) love life: I have a date tomorrow night with a funny boy. Details TBD.
• Update on my mental state: thank god for my therapist.
• Update on this blog: I will be back soon. Promise. Swear. It's been weird not being here this past month and a half. So here I am.
10.17.2011
On the importance of being yourself
I've had this here blog for five years now — I started this as a recent high school grad-turned-nanny, and now I'm nearly a college grad and nanny. (Dear lord jesus, I'll be a college graduate in 7 months. WHAT.)
When I started the blog, I wrote because I wanted comments. I wanted validation. I tried so hard to be funny (even though I look back at some of those early entries and cringe now), and to be happy and positive. I wanted people to like me, to really like me, a la Sally Fields.
And I loved my blog and having my blog and having readers and feeling, occasionally, like people liked me! They really liked me!
But.
I hid an enormous part of my life from the blog because I was scared of judgement and losing readers. I kept my entire 2.5-year relationship with an amazing, amazing girl completely secret. I didn't write about it until after it was over, and not going to lie — that was one of the most nerve-wracking posts I put up. But in return, you all supported me, loved me, and validated me.
I think that post marked a turning point for my blog. I'd written some real emotion posts before that, but nothing on that scale. And this part of a comment on that post hit me in particular:
"Thank you for your sharing your experience so eloquently, and for bringing a human "face" to this issue! For the 1st time in my life, I feel like I am no longer along and fighting a losing battle on [human civil rights]."
Here's where I start to sound self-centered.
I realized, after that post, that I had a voice, and I had a platform. I have this blog, and yes I write it for the funny stories and for the memories, but I also write for me. I write to get love and support and encouragement from you guys. And over the past few years, I've gotten so many emails and tweets of love from people. And each time I'm shocked, humbled, and grateful.
I know how isolating and scary it can be to live in the throws of depression and anxiety. I know how monstrously difficult it is to battle eating disorders that try (no pun intended) to eat you up whole. But I'm only sharing my experiences. My eating disorders are radically different than someone else's. How depression and anxiety manifest in me are completely opposite of how they could manifest in someone else.
But I think the resounding message that I want to use my blog, my voice, for, is to say this:
All you out there, all you beautiful, wonderful people, all you happy, sad, scared, lonely, unique people, you are not alone. We all fight our own demons. But as long as I am here in this world, I promise you are not fighting them alone. I'm right here, fighting alongside you. All of you.
I'm fortunate enough to have amassed a good readership on my blog. I have no idea how I did that, I have no idea why I deserve that...but I'm grateful for it. And even though I still want to share the happy and the positive memories, I also want to share when things are really fucking hard. Because at times, it's really fucking hard. But thanks to you guys, I know I'm not alone in this thing called life. And neither are you.
You guys, I'm a 22-year-old student-nanny. I'm nothing special. I have depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. I feel completely crazy most of the time (thanks, eating disorders).
BUT.
I have found such inner peace by being able to be open about these things. It's hard to write posts that make me feel vulnerable and exposed, and I still don't have my real name attached to this blog...but you all have helped create this amazing community of support and I feel so, so lucky.
With that said...I know so many people who are going through such hard times right now. So I'm looking for stories from you guys. Stories of hope, stories of happiness, stories of overcoming demons and being completely honest about ourselves. Kind of an "it gets better" project for every part of life — sickness, mental illness, trying times — for ye olde (Online) Nanny Diaries.
Will you guys write something?
Be long-winded, be brief, be honest, be happy, be sad...but write something true to yourself, something you know. You can write anonymously or use your name/blog/etc. All I want from this project is for those who are struggling not to feel so alone. To feel some hope. Because we have to get through this thing called life together. That's how we get through.
If you want to write (please do!), you can email your stories to theonlinenanny@gmail.com. I'm happy to help you edit if you're unsure of what to say. Thank you.
When I started the blog, I wrote because I wanted comments. I wanted validation. I tried so hard to be funny (even though I look back at some of those early entries and cringe now), and to be happy and positive. I wanted people to like me, to really like me, a la Sally Fields.
And I loved my blog and having my blog and having readers and feeling, occasionally, like people liked me! They really liked me!
But.
I hid an enormous part of my life from the blog because I was scared of judgement and losing readers. I kept my entire 2.5-year relationship with an amazing, amazing girl completely secret. I didn't write about it until after it was over, and not going to lie — that was one of the most nerve-wracking posts I put up. But in return, you all supported me, loved me, and validated me.
I think that post marked a turning point for my blog. I'd written some real emotion posts before that, but nothing on that scale. And this part of a comment on that post hit me in particular:
"Thank you for your sharing your experience so eloquently, and for bringing a human "face" to this issue! For the 1st time in my life, I feel like I am no longer along and fighting a losing battle on [human civil rights]."
Here's where I start to sound self-centered.
I realized, after that post, that I had a voice, and I had a platform. I have this blog, and yes I write it for the funny stories and for the memories, but I also write for me. I write to get love and support and encouragement from you guys. And over the past few years, I've gotten so many emails and tweets of love from people. And each time I'm shocked, humbled, and grateful.
I know how isolating and scary it can be to live in the throws of depression and anxiety. I know how monstrously difficult it is to battle eating disorders that try (no pun intended) to eat you up whole. But I'm only sharing my experiences. My eating disorders are radically different than someone else's. How depression and anxiety manifest in me are completely opposite of how they could manifest in someone else.
But I think the resounding message that I want to use my blog, my voice, for, is to say this:
All you out there, all you beautiful, wonderful people, all you happy, sad, scared, lonely, unique people, you are not alone. We all fight our own demons. But as long as I am here in this world, I promise you are not fighting them alone. I'm right here, fighting alongside you. All of you.
I'm fortunate enough to have amassed a good readership on my blog. I have no idea how I did that, I have no idea why I deserve that...but I'm grateful for it. And even though I still want to share the happy and the positive memories, I also want to share when things are really fucking hard. Because at times, it's really fucking hard. But thanks to you guys, I know I'm not alone in this thing called life. And neither are you.
You guys, I'm a 22-year-old student-nanny. I'm nothing special. I have depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. I feel completely crazy most of the time (thanks, eating disorders).
BUT.
I have found such inner peace by being able to be open about these things. It's hard to write posts that make me feel vulnerable and exposed, and I still don't have my real name attached to this blog...but you all have helped create this amazing community of support and I feel so, so lucky.
With that said...I know so many people who are going through such hard times right now. So I'm looking for stories from you guys. Stories of hope, stories of happiness, stories of overcoming demons and being completely honest about ourselves. Kind of an "it gets better" project for every part of life — sickness, mental illness, trying times — for ye olde (Online) Nanny Diaries.
Will you guys write something?
Be long-winded, be brief, be honest, be happy, be sad...but write something true to yourself, something you know. You can write anonymously or use your name/blog/etc. All I want from this project is for those who are struggling not to feel so alone. To feel some hope. Because we have to get through this thing called life together. That's how we get through.
If you want to write (please do!), you can email your stories to theonlinenanny@gmail.com. I'm happy to help you edit if you're unsure of what to say. Thank you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
